The Fear

Am not afraid! Who would want to stick their head in the fire anyway?

That very powerful feeling we call fear is one of the most important pieces in the puzzle of life. It is needed as it is one of the most incredible teaching tools the universe has for us. The power that it creates is amazing. I’ve seen it bring grown men and women to tears in so many ways. We give it pride of place as it keeps us alive, used correctly, but also creates so much agony when we allow it to become unbalanced.

And it is so good that it will show you what not to do, after the fifth relationship that you have trashed because of your fear of, (insert fear here), example: not getting close to a possible partner because you don’t want to be hurt. And what you don’t realise is the very act of keeping your partner at a distance is actually CREATING the very thing you fear. Yes, you heard right, WE CREATE the very thing we fear. Prove it you say…ok, take the above scenario, your afraid of being hurt, (because of what’s happened in other relationships, how your parents/friends/boss’s treated you etc ), so when you meet someone you automatically keep your distance, (emotionally and maybe physically), from them until you get to know them. Now this probable partner is saying to themselves, ok, they seem to be needing a little time to get to know me, fine, I understand that. So THEY keep their distance so as not to upset you, tread over that distance/line you have created. As you can see already, without even trying, the fear has created a gap…and you haven’t even tried to go anywhere with it yet. So somebody has to make a move over that gap. You want the gap, but the partner doesn’t, so they try to close it because they like you, want to be close to you, get to know you. But your afraid to be hurt so you back up each time they get close…and each time you back up the partner thinks, hmmm, maybe they’re not into me that much and eventually starts to move away, and the awkwardness of feeling not wanted will make them eventually leave.

Ok, another one…your very loving and giving and take pride in being able to show your love to someone regardless of the circumstances. Your partner on the other hand feels very overwhelmed by this as they have a very low self esteem and become very uncomfortable to the point that they feel they don’t deserve any of this. At which point they begin to block your giving advances and shut down towards you. To you it seems unbelievable that someone wouldn’t want that attention. And even if you understand where they are at, you have to take that backward step of not giving on that level, so as to not hurt them. But in doing so it slowly becomes a restriction on who you are. They begin to feel they have caused this and upset you, and pull away more, thereby reinforcing even further their low self esteem.

Now here’s a rule to stick in amongst all this. It does not matter what the situation is, who ‘appears’ to be in the wrong, how it is working out, why it is going the way it is…I will guarantee you that there is always a lesson for both…always…it may not seem apparent at first but it will at a later time. And if you look deep enough AND be honest with yourself.

Ok, here’s another…your jealous because of the time your partner spends with other people/girls/boys/hobbies etc. You say something along the lines that your feeling left out, ignored and don’t feel a part of their life even though your their partner. This will automatically get a reaction of ‘no I’m not ignoring you, don’t be silly’ or ‘I’ve always done this’. And off they go thinking ‘where did that come from…have I really ignored them’. And because they enjoy what they are doing, they keep on doing it thinking you will be understanding and get over it. But it’s still there, slowly eating away because of how off handed or rejected you have felt in previous relationships before, until it becomes stronger and you mention it again. And when you do the reaction is a little more firmer because they don’t want to give up this thing that they do. And you become more left out and resentful. And they dig in some more. And finally you realise your saying things that are just plain hurtful, angry and in the context of things, probably not even relevant to the original problem. Later you will sit down, (after the break up/divorce), and wonder how did it get to this. Originally it was just a feeling of being left out, was that because of those other relationships and how you were treated and you didn’t want it to happen again (fear), or maybe THEY were doing it so that they didn’t have to deal with something they were being afraid of, (intimacy or not feeling very good at communicating on that level).

The reality is, is that we attract to us exactly what is needed for our understanding. Think about it! If we have a fear, it’s always at the edge of our awareness so that we are ready to move away from it, avoid the confrontation, run for our lives so we do not have to confront one of life’s unpleasantries. But in reality we ARE creating it because that is what we hold out in front of us, like a sign, every day as we go about our business. We ARE telling the universe this is what we find is of most importance to us because we are holding it up high, out front, and thinking about it with great intensity. (The Reverse). Why wouldn’t the universe give us what we ask for. And to top it off, what always rocks up as we go about our daily lives? The very thing we are trying to avoid! The universe loves us so unconditionally that that request for what we are sending out is made up and delivered by exactly what we have put out there. Perfection as always. And then on delivery we do our thing…feel afraid…go into denial…begin to get angry/to cry/to yell, to do whatever is needed for ourselves to understand what it is that we are doing…what it is that we are feeling.

And then one day, we slowly understand that we just don’t want to do this anymore, it is too painful, and within ourselves we feel the need to not be controlled by those feelings that we always get under these circumstances. We don’t want to live like this anymore, we’ve had enough! And so finally, underneath all our upsets on the surface, inside our bruised and battered hearts within, we finally give up the fight, let go of that thing that kept us in there for this fight like our lives depended on it and move away from the mess that it created.

And then at a right time, after going through this same fear over and over, we have a realisation of why we have been going through this journey, what was really underneath it all and driving it in such a way that we can now realise exactly what that fear was and why we had been acting in this way for so long. It is a moment of shock, a seeing of something that has been so obscured by the very fear we have held up as a shield in front of us for so long, that it’s arrival can leave you numbed for days or weeks while you digest its meaning for you.

And as you go about your life, you also realise it doesn’t have the same affect on you any more, it’s hold has loosened, it no longer has that constant dangling in front of your face as you go about your life. Why? Because you’ve finally understood it! You’ve been embracing your fear for so long, using it as a lifelong lesson, imprinting it in such a way, that you now understand that you no longer have to do this, you begin to realise why you have been acting in a certain way, you begin to understand this imprint that has probably been there since childhood and acted out over so many relationships that you can now release it. And in this release you are now able to look back and begin to understand what your actions were and see what the journey through this has enabled you to now see and understand to such a degree that you realise it’s importance so you can now move on.

You have confronted your fear, danced with it, struggled with it, and now finally understood it. It’s time to let it go, with that understanding, with the love that it was given for your understanding (because in truth that is how it is given), and release it by embracing the wisdom that you have now gained from within it. What an incredible journey, the struggle and intensity that it has created for you, so that you can integrate exactly what it is that you needed by embracing it, understanding it and releasing it to finish a long but very important part of who you are. At the very end when you really understand what has gone before and you see your actions and the why of your actions you can initially feel resentful because of what you have gone through to reach this point. But in doing this you then realise it was done with great love, for you, to enable the new, more beautiful, more loving, more wise person that you have now become. You are now in fact a new creation, coming from a better place, and able to now create from a better place also. Even after confronting one fear it gives a greater sense of purpose, a better place within and the ability to empathise and give love from a purer heart within, as it has now been purged of a fear and a wall that was blocking the truth within.

You are now free…free to be your truth and give from that place. Give in such a way that it is seen and felt by those around you, but more importantly, is now a part of who you are. Be that truth…live that truth…and the universe will embrace you by giving you that truth in return! That is what your entire life is all about, understanding those fears within your life, releasing them, and becoming that truth within, and then giving from that place. An entire integration of all that we are until we become one within ourselves and the universe, that complete balance of the physical and spiritual to know the understanding of what unconditional love really is!