My search for meaning in life. Going through the ups and downs in life trying to come to terms with that ongoing question that we all have…’is this it?’. And the process I took to finally understand that I’m a package and most of my life I had been playing with the wrapping, not realising that further in was this incredible present just waiting to be held, felt, listened to, understood and integrated into who I was to become. After recognising this part of myself, spirit asked that I put what I had learned somewhere that others may gain from it and help their journey just as I had also been helped to find that present within.
This is my first blog even though I’ve been a Web Designer for the last few years. A friend suggested that even though I was thinking of doing a website for my writings, I should at least do a blog. So bear with me as I use what I have understood within and relate it on these pages. Very different from a website but I think can be a lot more personal and with the allowance of comments and replies as such will also I hope help anyone, and myself, on their incredible journey on this big blue planet.
It all began a long time ago…yes, it is a fairy tale, all for the simple reason that life seemed to turn upside down and there didn’t seem to be a way out, just like Alice in Wonderland. So I went looking…seriously looking…to find a way out, or at the least understand just what it was we were doing down this rabbit hole.
So, where do I start? The only things that really question our journey is religion or a range of ‘New Age’ things that are becoming more and more prevalent in society as a whole. So I began with religion, or rather my parents did but I soon did the current thing and ‘did a runner’ as it wasn’t very compulsory in our family which gave me a very rudimentary understanding at best. Special occasions like Christmas was about it. Then I absorbed anything out of the usual under the banner of ‘New Age’ to see if anything fit or at least waved a white flag to make me ponder.
The one thing that I did understand and had been happening in my life to this point was that I had this ‘knowing’. It was a little mixed up as I didn’t really understand it fully and life tended to get in the way and so I would take it on board but not use it in any way or be open about it as you would automatically be labelled a freak and probably more to the point, did not have the confidence to step into that ‘truth’. Something to learn and understand later on in life as you slowly find who you really are. So for the moment I accepted that I was getting something from inside, not tuned very well, but an occasional tap on the shoulder that made me realise at least that my guide, spirit, higher self, God was letting me know there was ‘something else’ in this world besides work, bills and not enough sleep on Sunday mornings.
So during this time and upon ‘growing up’ and facing life head on, going through all the bits and pieces expected, like careers, marriage, love, children (2) and all the things in between, I finally reached a moment that led to divorce and the emotional upheaval of adding to that a loss of career, house, friends, family and all those things that life appears to expect us to follow. At the time it was such an incredible, painful and totally ‘mad’ time for all concerned. And even five years after the event I was asked ‘how do I feel now’, and I said ‘ I’m ok’. But the reality is that even another two years after that I looked back and realised I was still wading through a range of differing emotions still trying to find me and just what I wanted out of life. To put it bluntly ‘it’s a big journey’.
After much emotional baggage and stops and starts I finally decided that I needed to slow down and give myself a chance to catch up. All of this time is seriously hampered by that chattering thing up top, masquerading as your mind, that is trying to find a way out or at the very least keep you occupied so that all the fears that have grown over this time are kept dampened down and not on your radar for any length of time.
The first thing I did was give myself time, oodles of it so I could ask myself, ‘what do I really want out of life?’, ‘just what is it that I truly yearn for and would have meaning for me?’. At this time I realised that ‘I want it now!’ was the only thing that was happening so I needed to really get serious and STOP…and I mean stop because over those years I saw that all I had been doing was keep myself so distracted or that by doing ‘busy’ I didn’t have to think about the ‘hard stuff’ or ’emotional turmoil’ that was a day to day thing. So I needed to relearn ME!
The first thing I did was, get out of my own way. As in, to hear my guide, spirit, higher self, God, (too many labels so from here I will just say spirit, but be my guest and call it as you wish, it’s your journey too), I needed to be quieter, calmer and allow myself to actually hear spirit. Obviously to do that it becomes clear that I needed to do something like yoga or meditation or anything that I could find that allows me to be in that space. It’s like anything you do, the more you do it the better you become at it. Our ego is a noisy thing and it likes to have its own way because that is what it has been taught all these years. So like a bad habit we now need to become determined to rid ourselves of, not the ego, but how we have allowed it to ‘control’ us up to this point.
Thankfully I met (isn’t spirit wonderful), a lovely lady that was to become a ‘fairy’ to me and show me how to be me. Silence the mind, listen, meditate (and that in itself was so de-stressing, let alone the interesting things that I began to see and feel), and realise that this WAS all about me, so that I could understand just what it was that I travelled on this beautiful land to find. She had this amazing way of letting you trip over your own inquisitive nose… while looking for your nose. And to top it off, an Earth Spirit to boot. Did some incredible Earth Healings (and other things), that I ‘felt’ but did not understand. Many the path is taken but they are special to who and what you are. I suppose it’s like asking a Greenkeeper to fire up a Space Shuttle, not that the trusty Greenkeeper couldn’t do it, but I might be a little afraid of finding golf balls in the gas tank.
So this lady showed me many things in books and mysteries and by literally walking me through many things so that I could understand just what it was I was looking for. But in the end, as she explained to me, it would be up to me to step through the door, open my heart, find my integrity and feel the love that is always there. It’s always been up to me. Waiting until it knows I’m ready…then touch me with a little feather like understanding…an image here…or a knowing there…to which you’ll hesitate at first thinking it was your imagination…but as time goes by you begin to realise it is becoming more and more to who you are, where your heart is and how you are applying that into your life. It will coincide with your situations and how you are applying yourself within those circumstances.
This time coincided with my final decision of wanting to do something with my life and so began the trials and studies of becoming a Remedial Massage Therapist. Loved every minute of it, best decision I ever made, and as the universe knows, I was ready within and without so that all that I had learnt so far was about to come together to create something that even I hadn’t envisaged was about to happen. The massage and the ‘knowing’ was about to shake hands and begin a journey of healing that initially took me by surprise but in hindsight I realised everything was leading to this point. Many a time I’ve looked back over the years, seen this time, and understood my journey to be where I am at now. All the pieces coming together and forming something to ‘give’ from another perspective. An enhancement of individual parts by bringing them together to create something new.
Now I realised I needed to fine tune what I was slowly becoming. All that had been learned before was brilliant for taking me to this point but I now understood that this part was a very individual process as it would be with anyone. I needed to really find myself…my truth of who I was…and reach within to bring out that truth. To understand what I was…and give from that place. So I did what I felt was the correct thing to do….and asked spirit for my truth, my journey and path that I’m now on.
If you ask such a thing to spirit, and you intend to truly follow that path, then realise that spirit, with all the love in the universe, will give you what you ask for….just not quite what I expected but exactly what was needed. Over many years and with something that took a while to understand, spirit gently and with that incredible love, showed me things. Things that were shown, as I was able to absorb within, understand them and then be able to express them in writing or talking to anyone that was interested or wanted to understand their journey. Spirit urges me to pass this on, like many others do. It will go to those who are seeking their truth, their journey and the path that they follow. They will absorb only what is relevant to their path, much may mean nothing, or just a confirmation of where they have already been. But in itself you will understand that we all partake of this journey through life, feel all these things in our own way and in our own way we will gain the wisdom to bring us to that point that is our Truth and know its perfection for exactly who we are.
This page is to just give a basic understanding of my journey and how I have reached this point. As I add to this blog I will write as many of the things that I have been shown so as to give an understanding for those who would like to understand it. May it give you the blessings to enrich your journey with the love that it was given to me.
Our deepest fear……
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us,
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God,
Your playing small does not serve the world,
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you,
We are all meant to shine, as children do,
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us,
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone,
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same,
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
(This inspiring quote by Marianne Williamson is from her book, ‘A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles’)
Be your Truth, and the Truth shall set you free!