Finding Your Heart!
But which one? The one that goes pump, pump…or the one we feel every little emotional vibration with? Or are they the same one?
The Journey we all make within, one way or the other, can come at any time in our lives. Usually at a time of deep emotional upheaval due to a loss of something…a partner through divorce, the security of a job, a death in the family or even from facing a fear …and sometimes all of them. And in response to this we often feel the pain deep inside with an emotional agony that we think will never leave us. We have all been there sometime in our lives and know this isn’t an easy time.
It takes a long time, going through the stages of grief, anger, fear, loss to finally reach an acceptance of what has happened. This can take years and in the final view, we look back at different times in our life and see that we actually change over this time frame and see we have actually changed in how we feel about what has happened. Why? Is it because we are not as close to the situation any more…or maybe we have reached an understanding that yes, we have lost something but now that the waves of emotion have finally settled to a more manageable level we can see that we have come to a point of accepting, and have changed in such a way that many of those things we used to worry about, don’t really matter anymore, are no longer important, and our direction in life has taken on a whole new meaning for us. We find that as our life progresses we are able to handle these situations in a much better way.
As a child when we lose something it is called a ‘spak attack’, as for them this is an absolute loss and the only way to express this is directly from the heart. Scream, yell and cry your eyes out. (And I might add it is a very good way to release tension and stress from the body…but you try and do this each time, as an adult, that you don’t get your way and watch out…the boss, wife, boyfriend is going to be loooong gone very quickly). As a child gets older this is…beaten, scolded and ‘learned’ out of them. They begin to take on the persona of those adults and people around them, mainly because they are people that they love and look up to, until such a time, usually around eight years old, that it is locked in, walled up, covered over and second nature to them, and these attitudes are carried on into adulthood. And of course how they act, to them, seems so right and correct, that they react so badly to all the other children and their ‘right and correctness’ that they close down that tiny little pump, pump thing, (or was it the other one?), so that they can no longer be hurt by it any more. They are all so sure that they are right in their attitude, (well it was taught to them by their loved ones), and they might agree with the stronger children, (who wants to get taunted, embarrassed, abused or bashed?), but deep inside they still side with mum and dad.
So now we have the little problem of all those things tucked away inside, ready for those unwary souls that want to be a part of who you are. Boss’s, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, husbands and wives. And what a Pandora’s box! I’ll always remember my first girlfriend. How on earth did she make me do all those things…the guys would laugh their backsides off…but I came back for more, and more. What was this funny attitude I had…this gooey, intense, adoring, couldn’t stand to be away from her type feeling…ever. Where did that come from? Yes, I loved my mum and dad, brothers and sisters. But this, it was like a Bullet Train, so fast and POW, at the platform already and didn’t care where we went. Then she broke it off…the world came crashing down…I felt like I was dying. She had pulled out my heart and left it on the street to be downtrodden forever.
And as we progress into this world of pain, love, pain, love…we reinforce those things we are taught from youth by closing down our hearts from pain, opening it up to love, over and over. Until one day you just can’t do it anymore, your so tired and scared of being hurt, that you decide to close up shop and not let anyone come near that poor little pump, pump and its emotional connection to you.
But what if we knew, really knew, that we had actually put ourselves in this position in the first place? What if it was meant to be! What if it was needed, so that we could truly understand what it was like to be down at the lowest point in fear, anger, pain and hurt from our reactions to all those things that happen in our lives…so that when we ARE at the opposite end, and are happily ecstatic, madly in love…don’t you think we would be so much more appreciative because of what we have suffered and now learned what it was to be like at the bottom of the human emotional ladder? The learning we understand when we know that ‘opening our hearts’ is actually a beautiful place to be. Giving you great strength and fearlessness to deal with everyday life? The healing that takes place when we open, and in that healing being able to heal others? The ability to create on such a level that it amazes you, let alone those around you? This learning is so powerful that as each and every one of us interact it creates a wisdom within that is taken wherever we go and used as an encyclopaedia for everything we do. If you haven’t learned it properly, you do it again, (and even keep telling yourself inside ‘why did I do that again, I know better!’). And that is just on the outside, physically. On the inside is just the same, you do the range of emotions and learn from that as well, with many an admonition to never do that again. But we do…why…because the urge to feel that one thing that we are missing in our lives, and comes closest when we are in love…is to love ourselves…totally and unconditionally. If you think I’m wrong, then why is it that we always put ourselves down, feel that we are not capable of something or avoid something through fear. Think about it, we act exactly how we think of ourselves. If you are angry, that’s how you act. If you are happy, that’s how you act. If you unconditionally love yourself, that’s how you act…how many people do you see that love themselves unconditionally. Not many, I’m sure. What would it be like to live with people like that, no stress, no pain, no anger…sounds like heaven. Do you think I’m kidding you? You don’t think that we go along each day convincing ourselves that everything is ok and concentrate only on the good bits and ignore the rest? Yes, that works for a while, but I’ll let you in on a little secret…YOUR Higher Self, Guide, Spirit, God deliberately puts you into a position so that you face that very fear/problem you were so desperately trying to avoid. If you battle it out to get your own way and avoid it…it will roll back up down the track a bit further. Still think I’m rambling on…then tell me, which one of those fears/problems have you been able to avoid and it’s never come back? Zero, nada…not a one! Because that is where you wish to go…and you know this deep inside. And when you look back you will actually see some of the things that you do…the arguments, actions and things that at the time seemed the right thing,(and to your Self, it is), but looking back you cringe and think ‘did I really do that’. And when you have time to really absorb this you will finally realise it has turned out for the best. There will be turns and twists that make you feel that the world is out to get you but in the end you WILL be able to smile again, you WILL be able to feel again…and above all, you WILL be able to LOVE again. And each time from a much better place. Yes, sometimes they create more fear, like scared to open up to someone again, but that is your journey that you chose, and you WILL get past that too, and each time be more beautiful inside as you realise you are coming home…to you…where all the love in the universe is…and always has been.
As you begin to understand this, be prepared to feel something…something that you know within is a deep truth…that could only come from one source, and learn to listen to what your Higher Self, Spirit, Guide or God is really saying…to show you a path that is eon’s old and as fresh as today…and a healing for that little pump, pump that you hold so dear!
Very thought provoking and good to see someone expressing and writing about their life journey….Certainly all your topics are refreshing and have given me insight into my own journey…feel free to look at my Heartstrings or mickelliott.wordpress…..may you find some kernels of wisdom in your ever growing search. As someone who has worked in the field of hospice for over 14 yrs, I have been both the vessel and the sponge, the ministry of presence and the “facilitator of safe passage”…….we all have our roles to play, even as students of the Universe……..Love & Light, ~ Mick E. ~
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My thanks for your lovely comment Mick E. These journey’s are always a never ending understanding of who we are within. There are those moments where you think you can’t do this any more and break down in tears, and then those moments when the beauty is so outstanding it brings overwhelming tears of gratitude. But all leading to much realisation of that heart within and bringing the duality closer and closer together. Your job would definitely have its moments and as you say ‘facilitate’ that crossing over. I would think it would have some beautiful moments to see and feel. And thank you for your invitation and I will come for a look see of your site, very much appreciated. Love and light to you also. Mark
Thank you, Mark. We all get there in the end I suppose. But it is lovely to have guidance along the way. Have a good day/night.
Heading off to bed now. Almost 2a.m. Work tomorrow. 🙂 x
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My pleasure and thank you for my daily intake of poetry to please the mind. Work, oh no, that means long periods of silence here. I might go into withdrawals 🙂 Sleep well 🙂
It sounds very much like trust. How many times are we prepared to put ourselves on the line? Some people not very often at all. Hurt once or twice. End of. Won’t go back there. Whether it is in eros/agapi/filial love or just everyday relationships with the myriad of people we encounter.
In fact, it may be the encounters we have on a daily basis that colour so much of how we react and interact with the world.
I’m thinking here of people I know who are very cynical. Been dumped on by friends, colleagues, etc and now view everything ‘through a glass darkly’. It is reflective of self and alters perceptions.
I think some people are born this way and don’t cope well with disappointments and disillusionment. Great joke here but I won’t insert it!
I’m kind of the other way. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I get shat on from a great height, I go out and do the same again. Trust people. I used to think it meant that I was either a bit thick or had a short memory. But it’s kind of a willing naivete that is prepared to believe the best each time.
A lovely, reflective read yet again, Mark. I know someone who needs this message. Namaste. 🙂 x
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Thank you for your insightful comment scottishmomus. It is an interesting journey and I suppose like all else in the world it boils down to how you have learned to respond to the many trials in our lives and the coping strategies we put in place each time that they happen. With the wisdom we gain, each time something comes along, we can approach it from a different perspective and gradually find a place within that doesn’t allow it to affect us in such a way any more. Trust, is in reality, learning to trust ourselves, have confidence in who we are becoming and giving from that place. Not a naivety within but a strength to find the best in people is actually coming from a more loving heart. That in itself, is showing your confidence within, in who you have become because you no longer allow those ‘troubles’ of the world to affect you as they used to. Wise lady! That strength and wisdom can be seen in your poetry. Have a great day. Namaste 🙂 x