Monthly Archives: September 2015

Life by the Numbers!

I initially didn’t understand spirit when told you can never understand anything until you HAVE experienced something. I always thought that spirit knew everything…and they do…but they do not ‘know’ it. That is our journey, to see, feel, understand and become that unconditional love within from every possible way, every infinite path within this universe, and probably outside this universe (sorry, spirit hasn’t mentioned anything beyond our earthly life here), a ‘Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy’ I am not….yet 🙂
So I looked back over my life to see this journey and realised I really don’t ‘know’ anything until I experience it. You can be given lots of information which will create an awareness but its actuality has not been realised yet.

So I get the manual out…

Step 1. You are born into this world, painfully (birth canal), blindingly (theatre lights…unless you didn’t make it that far and the taxi was as far as you got 🙂 ), and stark naked (I’m sure there wasn’t a wardrobe in there anywhere, but ask mum and I’m sure she will beg to differ, the pressure on the bladder for nine months couldn’t have been from just one tiny little body).

Step 2. I’ve got holes in me…the urge to shove everything….and I mean everything in my mouth is incredible (I can even chew the dogs ear but apparently that’s not acceptable). And these other holes…who invented those! Phew…is this a test, an endurance trial…it leaks like crazy and mum keeps looking at me with these incredibly loving eyes…till I leak, and especially that one at the back, WOW doesn’t that create a fuss, especially when it’s not expected. Out to dinner, at a function…and something funny called ‘I’ve got no wipes’. And I want what mum’s got over her nose, I think she called it a ‘peg’.

Step 3. I see lots of action. Tossed up into the air and caught on the way down, at attempt number seven I throw up all I’ve eaten and see such vivid colours AND the noise it creates can be a bit scary. People flapping all around me. This happens repeatedly over the years and I keep doing this but they never seem to learn.

Step 4. It’s now school time. Years of torment from all those other nose picking, humiliating, fight starting, embarrassment creations from all those pranks by the other kids. Oh, and we learn something called school work. Numbers, logic, playing with words all the time, and something called ‘life’ that is absolutely nothing like what really happens. Where do they get this stuff!

Step 5. I am struck totally numb. It was so sudden that I think it must be a particularly virulent disease that has taken me over. I can’t think or eat and anything like sanity you can forget. I don’t know what happened but she looked at me funny. Kind of smiled and did this pirouette and sauntered off. I’ve been lost ever since. This is dangerous, I cannot function while this smiling face keeps floating through my mind. I wonder where she lives?

Step 6. I married the disease darling. The circumstance has worked its way into me to such a degree I just say yes to everything. Where did she get that smile. I’m sure this is illegal. Oh, and I found out it is something called ‘love’. And you must repeat this often or all smiles are off….right off. Eating from a tin is ok, but it does not taste anything like what she can do.

Step 7. What?…you want to have a what??? No way! I mean of course I would love to have one of those…but now! Ok, ok…yes, of course I love you! Victory in defeat…is that an oxymoron? And so the cycle goes on…now she throws up, followed by the baby throwing up, followed by me as I clean one of those orifices. How can it be that colour?

Step 8. My mind is screaming, I want to jump off something, my world is upside down. No, not another nappy. She’s left me 12 months ago for another man. He would have to at least be able to mow lawns, clean the attic, paint the garage and change a nappy five times before lunch to outdo me! But she’s gone…and I’ve had enough of….me.

Step 9. Spirit whispers to me ‘Get off your butt and do something’. I think it’s just me feeling miserable and ignore it as usual. This time spirit says ‘Your going to die!’. I tell spirit ‘We all are’. Spirit says ‘But you’ve only got five years’. NOW spirit has my attention. And I realise that I can sit here and be sorry for myself or I can see the truth in the fact that I could die any day, so do I want to stay in this hole or do I want to live. No brainer.

Step 10. I realise that it has always been me and how I reacted to life and what I did about it. And that I have a passenger on board that has always been there guiding away…but ‘sometimes’ I don’t listen. Ok, the disease darling that I married (and still love if I admit it), made me, forced me, showed me what and why I was really feeling within and with great love crushed me, made the baby throw up on me all the time, dragged me kicking and screaming, showed me my fears so that I may be divorced free and live a life of unconditional love. (grumble, grumble…ok, this part takes time to get through).

Step 11. It’s time. I’ve released that body that has carried me for years and years. The relief and beauty that I’m now feeling is beautiful. Finally I’ve let go of that life of misery and pain and emotional turmoil. I know I’ve gained much wisdom and ‘knowing’ from the hardships I’ve been through. I realise that these hard journey’s must be done to understand what unconditional love is. I know I’m now in a much more loving place within from that understanding. I see a lovely light coming towards me…at last, I’m free…totally free. And as I enter the light I see….I see…no, noooo…I’m being born into the bilge water in the bottom of a convict ship, everyone chained to the walls. Nooo, send me back, I want to go back, I’ll be good I promise…pleeeeeease, send me back!!!

Step 12. This is life 682. Only 43,318 to go. They say that it teaches such beauty and wisdom and love. Well, no point in fighting it, as I throw up onto the first mate’s shirt for the second time. I think I might be starting to get the hang of this.

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