First Love! (Part II)

What can I say, that first encounter (First Love!) was over 12 months ago.
She crossed my mind often, in between life’s many wanderings…but not to make ‘that’ meeting again.
It felt like a loss, but not, because I was blessed with touching something so beautiful for what it was.
So I moved on, lived in a world somehow devoid a little because it felt so wonderfully close and personal, but never to be touched.
I had even tried to measure it against what I thought my life should be like, constantly a part of someone who made me feel that way.
Fool…expectations are a brace for the unwary, wanting of something that I couldn’t find in myself.
And because of that realisation, I let it go…gently, oh so gently.
And so in doing this, I allowed it to happen again…just by minding my own business, expectation-less and celebrating a birthday with a friend.
And there she was…I wasn’t sure what to do at first…a quick hello because of how unsure I felt, many people around us.
But the glow in that smile, the sparkle in those eyes could never hide this…this ‘connection’ beyond time.
We mingled with friends, always aware of a darted eye, a comment, and that smile that can only come from one place.
I also became aware my jaw was hurting again, like the first time, from smiling so much…but I didn’t care. I would recite a prayer 5 million times just to see her smile.
Many little chats began, but broken because we realised we were ignoring everyone else…but flowing so smoothly.
And suddenly we were by ourselves, wiping up the dishes, a chore by anyone’s standards…but we didn’t see it.
And even that came to an end, and my time was up, I had to leave…but never wanting to.
Unsure of what to say to end this day…I lifted my arms to show a farewell at the least by that embrace.
And it happened…….we gently embraced and joined together in the most beautiful serenity, melting into each other.
We floated in a sensation that when we met before was but a gentle flutter, now turning full force.
The world did not exist, nothing did but that beautiful touch within.
A moment as the ego wanted to know what it meant, but I released it and moved beyond it into acceptance. Just a perfect moment where everything was…was…just so perfect.
Not a word was spoken, it didn’t need to be. Not a movement was made, it was no longer required…we just were.
I have felt many things in this life, touched many hearts, experienced much love, physically and spiritually in the healing’s around me.
But this…words could not utter what was there in that moment…I was lost…and found…in the simplicity of that connection.
A singularity where all comes together in that one instant of time, to touch that perfection.
We finally released each other, very reluctantly, after what seemed like forever, and searched for a way to be together again.
And the universe opened and showed us a way…she would be back in two weeks.
I left. I smiled inside and out, my jaw hurting like crazy…by a pain I did not want to stop.
Two weeks?…14 days? Could I wait that long.
This is only day three…and look at what I have written.
Even my heart is beginning to ache…but it too is a pain I would gladly endure forever.
But above all that, is the one thing that is there above all else.
I ‘knew’, even before a word had been spoken…a calm ‘knowing’ that I was already there, a connection unlike any before.
Soul Mates? Or is that just the Universe opening a gate, to help us to walk through and find that truth within.
I’m reaching for the latch…hesitating…but I am lost already, and know it.
Smiling the smile of the heart, I follow my path…touching that place within us all, with a love like no other to guide us truly.

***Footnote: Well, a little time has now passed since I wrote the above, spirit had asked me to ‘delay’ putting it up. And I realise why now. I’ve had time to digest something that still leaves me amazed at this connection. But it wasn’t meant to be.
The lady in question is going through a very difficult time in her life so is in no space to be wanting a relationship at the moment.
So, what does that mean…well, I do now realise, because of the previous relationship that I was in, that if it didn’t ‘connect’ with the incredible power that it did, I may not have told myself ‘it is time to move on’, and wanted to. It isn’t until we are faced with these issues that we really look within and make those decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I have been quite happy in going where I have gone in life, but I think it may be time to ‘change’ my direction, hence the ‘contact’ with another beautiful soul.
But beyond that…I was allowed to touch something…feel and see something that is within us all. And I smile all the more inside for the ‘knowing’ of that beauty, and what is gently waiting as we step past our fears, and open truly to a whole new way of being 🙂

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The Traveler!

The soul…eternal…connected…sharing…as one.
But just imagine being eternal…ageless…forever part of these multiverses.
A balance…at times physical…emotional…spiritual…independent, in the many forms taken.
A ‘life’ that goes on and on, forever seeking….something.
It cannot just ‘be’, for it is always absorbing, accepting from all around.
Otherwise it would stagnate, diminish and be absorbed into what ‘is’.
In all its ever journey’s it senses, touches, and experiences all around.
For a knowledge like no other, that thing that we all seek…even in our part ‘down here’.
All parts living a journey, to blossom, reveal and understand that path.
Cycles upon cycles, ever reaching to find that something, that meaning to sate that urge within.
Until our path is revealed, each time a blossoming in knowledge as that understanding is reached.
But where are we going? What purpose does a destination have in forever.
For if we found it, we would also stagnate, purpose released.
Then a traveler must be a purpose within itself, that constant journey, a journey to find self.
That place that is changing within, in each experience that we do.
Each time building self, that love within from those many understandings that they give.
Showing us ourselves in each passing moment…to be felt, realised…savored even.
We are travelers, moving, always moving…but within that movement blossoms a love,
even as a flower does, always changed, no two the same, but so beautiful within themselves.
So I bid you welcome fellow traveler, I greet you and share this moment in time.
May your travels enlighten, touch that soul, to begin another journey as each change brings a new love within.

Namaste

Seeking Love!

In all that we do in our lives, the largest most meaningful act that we do…is to seek love. It is the one thing that drives us, above all else…to find a love that will complete us, give us that happiness we so desperately search for, and a smile that goes on forever!

But each time we think we’ve found it, through those rose coloured glasses (initially) that block out those bits that may seem a little rough around the edges, it slowly resolves to its truth. Those once overlooked parts slowly creep out of the closet along with a dose of reality that make us take a step back to figure out just where we are in this maze of feelings.

And each time it slowly pushes a button, which we ignore for a while but slowly it becomes three feet across and weighs a ton. Try doing that up on your jacket with a one inch hole.

So what does this all mean, this never ending search for someone ‘out there’ who will fulfill this lifelong attempt to find this place that is supposed to be the nadir, the elixir of eternal happiness.

Each time we ‘find’ that special someone we do go through that ‘rose coloured glasses’ period for a reason. It will show us, and hold us, in a very beautiful connection of love. Move the earth, walk on water and a happiness like no other. It is teaching us this love so that we understand that ‘oh so beautiful feeling’, and what is possible in this incredible journey that we are on.

But the button bit also has a purpose. The pain that slowly rises up among this blissful place asks us to look within. Yes, in the early relationships we always point the finger at the other party and know by how we are being treated that this is not love. And these things can test us like no other. A love that holds us there desperately wanting to be loved but constantly being pierced by this pain.

But this has purpose too. We don’t want to leave, but can’t stay either. This, push me pull you, constantly waging a war of attrition trying to find a way through. And as each battle is raged we look for a way out, to repair or finally give up the ghost on something that has so much meaning for us. Yes, we are afraid, petrified of losing the beauty that has so much meaning for us…because within that is the one thing that drives our hearts like no other. But it also has the other thing that tears it apart as well…fear!

And that fear touches a pain from our childhood, a feeling of rejection, a hurt that at that age leaves a very big mark in our lives. And the ones we love with an open heart later in life, also touch these places, and the feeling is so raw and painful. It is this that shows us our journey, to look within and find what that pain means within us.

It will hide deeply because we’ve had a lifetime of burying it, hiding it and avoiding anything that brings that pain to the surface. But it is only by looking within, seeing it in its true light, that we can finally understand what it was that we felt was so painful, and let it go in that understanding.

And then we are free…free to love ourselves, forgive others and move past those bars that kept us viewing life from a distance. It truly does show us within that we ‘do matter’, and very much so. It shows us, in understanding our fear, how to love ourselves.

When I finally found it I was in shock because even for someone with my awareness, I had hidden it, disguised it, and gave this mask to myself and out into the world. And in that understanding I was free, and I don’t mean just free to do whatever I wished….this freedom is like nothing else, because you see, my fear had bound me in everything I did, it was a part of every breathing moment in all that I was. It’s like wearing a helmet 24 hours a day, you slowly get used to it and it becomes second nature, but you can’t see properly, you can’t do things because it confines your natural movement, it weighs you down in all that you do. But when I truly ‘saw’ what it was…I broke into tears and a weight like no other left me, I literally floated for weeks after it.

And because it was gone, I viewed everything from a complete new way…and the incredible part was…I was no longer guided by this fear…I no longer needed to be guided, I could now choose my path, where before it was chosen by the fear.

AND, the part that has totally blown me away…I no longer ‘need’ to find that love ‘out there’. Yes, I would like to share my love with someone, but it is no longer driven by that ‘need’ that had always been there, ever driving me to find that love and happiness for myself within another. I can now see that it was all a projection, I was always sending my fear ‘out there’ and attracting accordingly so that I ‘can’ deal with my fear, understand and release it, to find that freedom and love within.

It is a very strange place, because of that lifetime of always seeking love with that weight on our shoulders, things all take on a new light. I can now truly see so many things that before were blindfolded to me because of my fear. I now have ‘time’, and lots of it. The urge to do something or be something is gone, it no longer matters. I matter, as another beautiful blogger, maryrose, has given me the key many, many times in her beautiful replies. And while ever ‘I matter’ and I learn that loving myself is the key, then that is what I will always attract into my life as a natural course, just as the sun rises and sets every day, displaying a unique and beautiful sight each time in its journey.

It isn’t easy to seek our love, that is why it has so much impact in our lives. But in finding it, it will leave a mark like nothing else ever will…a love that will never be blocked out by life again because we have loved ourselves to find it…and a love like no other…that IS unconditional love.

May you be the love that you seek.

Namaste

An Experience of Death!

This post below (Part 1) is from my original page ‘The Death’ up on the menu bar. It was an encounter that I was privileged to experience and feel with spirit in my journey to understand my fears as I go through life. It was also a very profound and life changing event that has changed me forever. I was shown just what happens as we let go of this journey of life down here, the emotions, feelings…but most of all, the understanding that what we have experienced down here, isn’t the end of the journey…but a profound learning in building that unconditional love in us all.

For others that have read this post, I’m also adding a new section (Part 2), at the bottom of this post for something that I found I needed time to digest and understand, as it was very much outside what we normally view as death. We usually view it from where we are now at, down here contemplating ‘is this it’, ‘what comes next’. But the view I am adding is what I was shown from our spiritual side and just what this journey means to us, as a spiritual being experiencing ‘life’ in our journey.

This can be quite confronting, depending on your beliefs and attitude towards death, but it also does something else that I feel needs to be shown, and that is a truth that will ease our fear of death and help remove that ‘unknown’ factor, at least enough to allow us to understand our journey down here a little better and how we view what we think is the ‘so called’ final act within it.

In removing something that we carry with us all our lives, it can do something wonderful…allow us to live…free from a fear that weighs us down like any fear, and be the truth within, no longer reacting to things around us, but acting from choice and choosing to live while we are down here in this beautiful place!

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Part 1.

Death!

Um, let’s change the subject!

Why? Are you afraid of death? I was, and I have to admit something here, not only was I afraid of death, I totally swept it under the carpet and didn’t want to go there unless I absolutely had to. A family member or friend passes away and you have no choice but to bring it back into view and face that thing that hovers in the back of your mind to which we block nearly all the time. It’s healthy to respect our time down here and know it’s for a finite time. Our fear is only produced because of how we are brought up around it and that little thing called the ‘unknown’ when we finally go there.

Now if it was an easy thing to do we would give it no wisdom, no respect and end it all because things were getting hard and life was becoming quite painful. But that fear, that unknown, allows us to give it the respect it deserves. Like all other aspects of our lives, The Love, The Fear, The Heart, The Truth etc, we do not know or understand these until we go through that journey that relates to each and every aspect of ourselves. That hard and sometimes quite painful time so that we can experience each facet that is our true selves so that we can understand and gain that wisdom of all of these to create the balance that is as unique as it is beautiful. Like a diamond. No two ever the same but indescribably beautiful in their own right.

I felt this on different occasions and it wasn’t until I read a book called ‘Journey Of Souls’ by Michael Newton that I let out this huge sigh and felt this incredible release, and understood and realised I was holding in this absolute fear, ticking away underneath, of a time that IT was going to sneak up on me and drag me away. The explanation in this book had finally touched something within me and for the first time in my life I could let go of this ‘thing’ that had been a part of me, kept in denial, and affecting a lot of things I did, felt and understood within my life. It was amazing just how it affected my attitudes and directions I would take because of that fear. I felt almost afraid to do things that would appear to be simple to most people (then again for them, maybe they weren’t), but kept me from stretching out, and to put it bluntly, live!

So after reading this book about the journey of souls as told by a lot of people under hypnosis, explaining the different aspects of the soul and how it integrates with our bodies in its journey, I let this fear go. The relief and realisation that I had let this affect me in so many ways also let me understand that like all other aspects of our learning and wisdom, I needed to feel that side first (The Reverse), before I could move into that, release and understand where I had come from, so I could now move into where I wanted to be. So many things that had been affected by my holding that fear was now being looked at from such a different space like night and day. The let go, the release, and actually just be me. All this time I had thought I was me. Not even close. I could now see because I had let down that protection, the walls that I had around me, physically and emotionally, I had now let myself see further than ever before. Step out into life differently, freely and more accepting of just why I’m here. I could now see beyond the wall and realise I was deliberately choosing to live. And that fear, the fear of dying, was the wall, and it was keeping me from living. Always it’s the reverse of what we think it is, but with that understanding we begin to realise it’s always the fears that keep us from really going where we want to go. And when we finally realise this, the walls come down, the fear subsides and at last, with the blinkers removed, the vista changes to one of wonder. Of a new experience, a new attitude and a new way of being.

Now up to this point I had thought that I had a good understanding of just what death was, an end to a path that had given me the wisdom and knowledge to realise my truth by releasing so many fears and balancing out my life in such a way as to be able to come from a place within that was truly unconditional. Little did I know. Now don’t get me wrong, ALL I have previously said is my truth, and also very much needed to understand my path as I strive to live on this planet. Spirit in its wisdom let me absorb all that went before so I could truly understand it, integrate it within and be able to express it properly here so that others may understand. But there was one thing missing from the equation that I have mentioned previously, and that is true understanding, to actually experience and feel the action so that you really do understand what has occurred. Like my previous comment, ‘you can be told that if you put your hand in the fire it will hurt’, but you never truly understand it until you do actually burn your hand, and know the incredible pain, agony and hurt that is created by that act. Something you never forget and can describe in detail because of the physical and emotional imprint it leaves on you.

Well, to show you how incredible this journey can become, spirit came to me one night and showed me just what it was that I needed to understand as part of my sojourn on this lovely blue planet so that I can express it here and give you some understanding and idea of just what it is we are here for. Now again, I say that this is my journey, but having said that we can all go on a trip to the city or into the country but some will walk, some will take a bus or train and some will even go in a Lamborghini. The whole purpose is to realise what it means to you in doing this trip. I might not even like Lamborghini’s, but I’d love to go for a trip in one though! Just for that experience. Anyway, this is always about you and what you want to understand and feel that this journey does for you.

Now the following is an account of that incredible experience I had during that night, that brought together quite a few of the subjects that I have been writing about. I had been speaking to several friends about the subject of mortality because of the situation I now find myself in. I had been diagnosed with emphysema at the grand young age of 54 (take note of my smoking for 18 yrs, from 18 to 36yrs old, and working within a coal dust environment for the same period, give it up guys!), and was beginning to realise that this had taken place quite quickly. I had only noticed how serious it was over the last 3 years as I was getting quite short of breath and just thought my studies and writing at a computer was generating a lack of exercise and the relevant lack of fitness. So I now found myself realising that this isn’t what I really wanted out of life, I wanted more time, more quality of giving to life’s better things. What are those better things? I soon realised that when your mortality begins to knock on your door, those things I spoke of before, as in wanting to do things that didn’t seem important, and letting go of things that were important at the time, that no longer seemed important anymore, you begin to see your entire journey from a very different perspective. It lets you look back and understand where you have come from, what you have achieved within yourself, and then adjust accordingly to where your heart wants you to go. To give meaning to your journey and give a truth to just what it is that you wish to become within you.

Now at this point of time I had not had much sleep for three consecutive nights so was quite tired so I fell asleep quite quickly and solidly, but at about 4am spirit brought me up to ‘our’ conversation depth (explained in ‘The Dreaming’), and began to show me an understanding that quite literally took my breath away with it’s incredible inclusion of most of what I’ve written about before under the menu headings, and of how this all fits together. Spirit then also showed me something that left me so totally speechless that when I became aware enough to reach over and record this I actually turned the recorder on and just sat there with my mouth wide open and could not utter a thing. It was so profound that all I could feel was this total elation of understanding, grinning from ear to ear with tears running down my face. And after what seemed like ages I started to speak in a totally awed and quiet voice this vision that spirit had given me as an understanding of this journey that we all take, to find us, to create that beautiful creature that is inside each and every one of us, to finally reach that part we all yearn for and become…an enlightened being!

And this is how it works. All of our lives we have lots of fears that we create, cope with and adapt to within our day to day living. These fears are usually quite strong so they seriously affect what we do and so determine our journey by how much power we give those fears. When we go through a fear the huge release that is generated by this action allows the release of walls we have built, physically in the body as well as emotionally, and opens us up quite strongly to a physical release of endorphins etc and an emotional release by crying or screaming out in joy because you have come through such an amazing experience. This is an ‘enlightenment’, an understanding of what went before, what was endured and what you now feel afterwards. I don’t mean we are now ‘enlightened’, what is referred to as someone who has evolved to such a point that they no longer need the physical journey we are now on. But, I do mean it is an ‘enlightenment’ because it creates an understanding for that particular part of what you needed to understand in this part of your journey.

Now as we cover all these fears within our lives we become more ‘enlightened’ on our path to such a point that your ‘wisdom’ and ‘understanding’ has reached a place that allows you to impart this wisdom to those around you just by being who you now are. Those fears include all those things in our lives like The Love, The Reverse, The Truth so they are integrated into just who you are. You have reached a point that you are more comfortable in who you are, what has meaning for you and you integrate that meaning into your daily life. There’s just one more to go, the one thing that we joke about, avoid, deny, won’t talk about unless we have to, and that is our death. We say and give our condolence’s to friends and family and go through some of the most horrendous times in our lives due to the loss of those family and friends and this gets us the closest to it, but we still do not want to dwell on it in any way. And this is very understandable, who wants to die? Who wants this life to end, and more to the point….what ‘IS THERE’ when we finally let go of this path that we are now on?

I’m now going to put into words something that I find difficult to say in the least. I saw what spirit showed me, I understood what spirit showed me and most certainly felt what spirit showed me. But after all that…the experience left me in such an uplifted state of wonder that I feel I may belittle it for my lack of words or description. It’s like a beautiful sunset. You can say it was beautiful, wonderful and an amazing splendour…but when asked to describe it you say…well, it had oranges and purples and a blue background behind it with a yellow sun….and it just doesn’t do it justice in any way. So…here is my understanding of something that we all will one day touch, feel and understand so as to become that which we all wish to become. That ‘Enlightened’ being that has reached its nadir, its peak, it’s understanding of self.

So spirit says ‘You’re going to die!’. Now if you have read my story under The Love you’ll understand my reply of ‘Speak to the hand!’. And to top that off I already had the understanding that spirit had showed me (in November 2010), that I was going to die when I was 60 years old. At the time I was in the most incredible place of falling in love with the most wonderful woman in the world. I could have moved mountains, smiling like an idiot and loving every moment. And out of the blue one night spirit bobbed up and told me that I was going to die at 60 yrs old. Unusual because I always get a panoramic understanding of anything I get from spirit, a total data set that explains the what, why, where etc. But in this instance it was so abrupt and singular that it left a huge imprint on me by the fact that it was so direct and to the point. Now I know why. I needed to be in that space so that I could understand my journey, my mortality and be able to express this here, and now give this understanding for all that read this and take this journey as well.

Well, spirit thankfully thinks differently to me and with the most loving kindness, gently showed me my journey, how I was going to get there and the reason why I would experience this part of my life. After many, many years of dealing with my lower emotions of anger, hate, fear and balancing them with the happiness, love, and truth using The Reverse, The Heart, The Love, The Dreaming etc as my guide to understanding, and in that understanding releasing those fears that guided my life on an everyday basis, it was time for spirit to show me the final act. The one thing that must be faced that we obstinately refuse to touch, and for a very good reason. As I have said before, we only ever learn something when it has a big impact on our lives, affects us in such a way that we cannot but help to learn something from it, and because of that learn the wisdom that is a part of that lesson. Well this is no different. If it was easy, every time we hit a brick wall of pain, hurt and a loveless time in our lives we would just end it all…and miss the one thing that all this is trying to give us, that understanding, the wisdom, so that we can find the ‘enlightened’ and beautiful creature within that we are trying to become. And as life goes on after each of these hard times in our lives we begin to accept that this is an important part of our journey.

It is a very abrupt, to the point, in your face, meeting with death. You begin to realise that this is it, no turning back or maybe tomorrow is a better day. You have to finally stare it in the face. And it was then that I realised something, while I was seeing this ending, this last act….I was going over many, many things that I had said, did, felt and done with many people in my life, I was…letting them all go…releasing all that had gone before…understood that what I had given was the best I could do and accepting of that…and then another understanding came with that…this was in fact a grieving of that life…something that we never seemed to allow ourselves because society says ‘get up, keep going, be strong’. Which is fine for the support that we desperately need at those times in our lives…but do we truly grieve properly…let go of all those hurts and pain that are a part of this time in our lives…that release and acceptance of what we felt for the loss of that partner, friend or family that we were so close to. But in this instance it is the loss of ourselves…the releasing and letting go of who and what we are…that final thing because there IS nothing else…there is no life to turn back to…no getting on with our lives…trying to pull everything back together and begin again…it is the last let go…total and utter release…and just be.

Going into that grief is to totally let everything go. No hanging on to something to support us. The whole idea at the end is to ‘let go’, ‘release all’ to accept and allow self to come through. It’s a total embracing of death that allows the transition. It is giving to self ‘unconditionally’ and accept who and what you truly are within. The relief is incredible. It’s like the release of the entire worlds troubles and the acceptance of unconditional love all at once. It is very difficult to put this into enough words that it can be understood and embraced for all the different things that it means all at once. Like being in a fairground with so many colours, actions, voices and people all around. It gives such an incredible feeling of wonder, excitement and happiness from all that is around you, that you don’t need to understand it, it just is, and you accept it for what it is. Now, truthfully, that description of a fairground is not close, that is just an idea that may give you an understanding of what I’m trying to explain. When all is said and done, it is just ‘total perfection’. I think even a diamond has its flaws, but not this, this IS a total knowing and feeling of the love and beauty of this wonderful universe that we are a part of…eternally!

And this led to another realisation…spirit on its own cannot touch, feel or sense as is done from within this physical body…it is a total, unique sensation and understanding in its own right. It is a never before taken pathway to be shown and given wisdom for the understanding of unconditional love. It is then that I also realise that the actual journey within this body that we do here on this physical plane on Earth, is such an incredible blessing, to be part of such a beautiful creation to enable us to reach such a point within so that we may be complete. It’s a path that can be so painful, so lovely, so at odds from one moment to the next, that when it is that final time, that last step on your journey to finish who you are, and what you have become, the awareness and beauty that is finally understood, gives such an indescribable joy within as you realise it is all totally there in utter perfection for exactly who you are so that you may understand it and know it’s purpose. Regardless of all the mistakes, problems and horrible times that we have endured it is exactly what we needed to do, so that we can find and understand just who we are within.

It was then that I felt it…I’m wishing to cry at this very moment because of the beauty and love of what this moment means…the understanding of all that went before, the feeling of completeness, the truth of accepting the love that was integrated in all that I had done, the knowing that I can now let go, I am realising that it’s over. I’m coming back to who I really am. Returning to that instance of total and unconditional love. Truly a total acceptance of just being as one again. And as I let go and accept, I feel a release of my body, but there is no fear, no worry of ‘what if’, it’s a complete release of that Lamborghini that has seen me out for many, many years and release it with love as part of who I once was. I am now ‘coming home!’. Coming home to what I’ve always been and now realise, I am. The journey before is now the thing that is ‘not real’. Totally understood but now realised within to be an incredible experience and to add to something that is a completion of who I am. The love that is a part of us always, no matter where we are!

To finally understand this journey, that process of life and the many amazing things that we do within that life, I can now look back and truthfully see, feel and understand it’s purpose. All those things that we toss away in frustration, yell at in anger and even those moments where we really lose it and do some of those things that we totally regret forever are here for a reason. They show you….you! It makes you look inside and talk to yourself over and over and over. Trying to understand why, how you can change it and most importantly give you understanding as to whether you want to be like that or create something better that you do want to be. It’s a long slow process, even though sometimes you want to get off this crazy ride. But in hindsight you will realise that you are probably glad that it did take it’s time and you were able to really gain the understanding and wisdom that is needed for that journey. All of the things that spirit showed me were for my benefit, but for me to understand I needed to go through and feel each and every part so that I may fully understand it all. From the ‘dark night of the soul’ to truly look within after a horrendous part of my life, to understanding myself within so I could partake of life again, then give from each understanding I made as it was integrated into who I was. Each and every aspect I was given changed everything. Allowed me to drop more and more fears so that I could be who I truly am, and more importantly have the understanding that it all comes back to that one thing that everything is a part of…unconditional love! When you finally understand it, it’s meaning, it’s place and it’s part of creating everything by being a total process. The up’s, the down’s, the hate and the love, you then understand it IS a total part of everything. You cannot have one without the other. It is an incredible perfection that allows us all, with all our so called imperfections, to be totally loved and included individually within this beautiful place, and be helped and guided to reach that wisdom and the total love that is there for all.

Just remember, this creation we are a part of, this body that is helping you on your journey, your spirit within that whispers to your heart, is all here for you. It is your time, your creating expression from what you have learned and understood, and your building of that beautiful creature within so that you may reach that place that we all yearn for while on this journey down here. That place of total and unconditional love where all is in place within, the final and total acceptance and love of ourselves, makes us the perfect creation we are meant to be. And finally reach that place, that yearning to connect, and be a part of all that is.

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Part 2.

The above post is everything that I was shown on that journey with spirit…bar one other ‘small’ event that has taken me some time to digest, simply because it is something I have never seen before. And I will be the first to admit that it rocked me, simply because this life teaches a very high understanding of our journey, but as for death, very little. And maybe it is for me to understand for MY journey. Like what I have written above, you may ‘see’ much within it or only confirm what is already known for yourself. Most information can be felt by the truth it portrays within you. You can ‘feel’ a truth by simply in how it makes you feel within. When you sit and speak your heart, totally open, to another, it is a very peaceful, releasing and positive feeling for you. If it is not a truth, it is felt as a binding, uncomfortable and negative experience.

WARNING: Please read all of this section in total or it can be taken out of context. Within your spiritual or soul form you are totally ‘aware’ of everything all at once. There are NO confusing ‘what if’s’ or ‘maybe’s’ or any hesitation whatsoever. You just are. I’m trying to explain something that is a very small fraction of what I felt as part of that whole. As I spoke above of that ‘fairground’ feeling with so much happening around you all at once, it is a million times more complex….but so very much simpler within that state.

Death continued….

So there I was…taking in such an enormity but total understanding of that process of letting go, transferring from that human relating of life to what I really am within, that all knowing, beautiful and peaceful soul that is my normal state. I was in such a loving place that I felt complete, I was home. And in that split second of letting go to start moving towards ‘whatever’ was next…I’ll never know…until I do actually die. Spirit had blocked any further understanding from that point. But in that split second before then, I had seen and felt an incredible understanding that shocked me, and I think that is what had broken my connection with spirit at that point, purposely, so that I could understand what I had been shown.

What I had been shown up to that point is all that mattered for now, it is all that I needed to understand and relate to for where my journey has been going. That split second held a wealth of information and it has taken me over two years to digest and come to terms with what had been shown. And not because of what I was actually shown, as it was a very small piece of that event, but by what it meant to me back down here. (By the way, my references to ‘up there’ or ‘down here’ is just for ease of understanding).

I saw and felt the Earth (down there), but it was disappearing very quickly…but that wasn’t what rocked me…it was the feelings and thoughts that went with it. All I could sense at that time was…it is done…let it go, release it…it has served its purpose. Even the people that I loved and held so close…no longer mattered. I was shocked by my off handed manner. My journey had been completed and so what went before was now irrelevant. There was no longer anything to worry about, I had done what my soul needed to do. Now remember that this is instantaneous, everything is just ‘done’…if I thought I knew what living in the ‘now’ was, I really didn’t have a clue till I felt all of this…it just ‘was’. I’m trying to explain something so that you can understand what I was trying to come to grips with. And it was shown to me this way so I could understand it ‘up there’, and then relate it ‘down here’

Now, if you thought the above was in your face, that’s understandable. So this next bit I’m going to try to explain it in my way the best I can so that you can ‘see’ something and allow you to relate to it properly.

The above didn’t matter to me for a very simple reason…I ‘knew’ that I would see them all again. I didn’t need to think about them in any way quite simply because I didn’t need to worry about it. There were no thoughts of ‘what if’, ‘when’, ‘how’, ‘why’ etc. Remember, the soul is instant, that ‘knowing’ is all. We are only slowed down on Earth to absorb what we are experiencing in human form. Up here it just ‘is’. Now please, do not think that our loved ones are not within our soul/spirits thoughts…with great love they are FULLY aware of our journey back down here and what we are experiencing so that we will be complete in our understanding. I’m only relating this tiny piece for the simple reason that it has great meaning for us to realise ‘some’ of what is happening ‘up here’.

To give this more understanding, let me explain it this way. Let’s say that you are spending time with a friend, you’ve met them at your rendezvous, spent a good time together and you now decide to go to your place for a cup of coffee. Your friend says ‘I’m just going by my house so I can pick some flowers, I’ll meet you at your place in 20 minutes’. You go home and prepare the coffee. In that 20 minutes you do not give your friend a second thought. You have no reason to think anything about them, to worry or even think that they wouldn’t be turning up.
WHY….because there is no need to give it any thought….just as your soul/spirit is doing ‘up there’. They KNOW you will be together again, there is no reason to even think otherwise, it is a ‘known’ quantity. The time between when they have passed over and left the Earth, and when you will be together again, is but a moment.

And I think the reason it has taken me so long to digest all of this, and put into words, is because I have never looked at it in this way. Down here is a whirlwind of ‘what if’s’ of what is ‘up there’. A lifetime of not knowing, and to be truthful because of that, not wanting to look at it. Suddenly I’ve been shown something that really does affect a lifetime’s way of being.

So, what DOES this mean for us ‘down here’? Everything! It allows us to release a fear, you know, one of those things than we drag around all over. Those things that test us in so many ways so that we can go through them and find that love that is inside us all. This journey has so much beauty within it, even though those tough moments really test us to such a degree. I have seen something that has given me such a relief, release and such a greater outlook on life. It is a game changer in everything that I do BECAUSE of that understanding about death.

For most of us we have touched death in varied ways. Acquaintances, friends and those very heartfelt connections of our loved ones that have passed over. The grief is one thing that holds us so tightly because of the loss of that loved one and the beauty that was shared, within that loss. But grief has a huge purpose, it allows us to see and feel something that is built on a love like no other. It also allows us, by that loss and pain, to look within and find another love, one built on the empathy that comes from going through such a time, a healing love that leads to that love within.

I have written this above to give an understanding so that our journey may be a little less fear and pain, and a little more healing love inside so that our paths in that awareness will be built on a stronger love and empathy, and a knowledge that what is waiting, is a beauty beyond anything I could describe. We will miss those that we love, but we will also be with them again…the flowers they are picking as they drop in home…will be a love and beauty like no other.

Ask anyone who is in their sunset years knows how fast time really goes down here, it is much faster than we give it credit, and we can see that as we get older. It is a very short time, and within it is crammed a huge amount of beauty, all so we can find ourselves, that unconditional love that is a part of us all. All too soon this magic is swapped for another (up there). But down here, this magic cannot be experienced up there, that is why we are here. This is ‘our time’ to find that beauty within, not to be experienced in this way ever again. Our journey has great meaning for us all…and then we too will be sharing those beautiful flowers with those we love again.

Namaste

The Force!

May the Force be with you…and it always is…calling, calling, calling!

Many times in our lives it will knock, just a light brush to see if your ready yet. Those odd moments when it makes us sit back and digest this occurrence because it is an event that doesn’t gel with our ‘logic’ and ‘science’ that this world teaches.

It will be just enough to ask that question…is it true? Was I imagining it? And our awareness has now been nudged.

We will let it go…but with an ear cocked in case it flirts with us again.

And it will…because we want it too. By being aware we have told the universe we want to understand this ‘thing’, see what it means to us and how it will affect our lives.

And after each time it knocks on our door, we gradually build a belief…yes, we begin to believe because it has done that magical thing that even in this world tells us it’s true….it happens more than once, even twice or three times…but by then we ‘know’…and the ‘knowing’ within begins.

And it will be exactly what is needed so that YOU can see it in action within your life. You begin to understand that it has laws, just like this world (‘as above, so below’). And the more you walk in your truth, integrity and love, the more you attract those things that you have always hoped for in you’re life. Because this world is full of its reverse, the hate, anger and fear.

This world will test you in every way it can…so that now that this understanding of another world has been shown to you, you will slowly see the wisdom of that journey, and realise that to have that happiness in your life that we all so earnestly seek, you can now trust what you have now been shown within.

All it takes is that first step…you know, the one that says ‘no’ to the infidelities of this world, the one that finally shows that you are now going to be loving to yourself by standing in that truth and integrity, and no longer stand in the fears of this world and say ‘yes’ to everyone else but yourself.

Each time you go to do something that you are not comfortable with you will know you are not standing in your truth. And I don’t mean using it as an excuse to not do something, it is the integrity that your heart also shows you each time in any circumstance. By standing in that truth and follow what you know within is the right thing, you also begin to attract that beauty back into your life.

And it is all being done with love, because by standing in that truth within you ARE giving that love to you, and that is what you will now give back out, and attract accordingly. It is as natural as the air you breathe in and out every day. It is a balance like no other, and you have total control of the entire journey.

Take a step….I dare you 😀

Loving Ourselves!

Loving ourselves (unconditional), is our natural state, it is only the fears and walls that we build that block it. And as each fear or wall is removed we begin to ‘feel’ on a much different level.

It becomes easier and easier to understand and have much empathy for another, because of the love we actually give ourselves BECAUSE we have looked into those fears, had the courage to face them, and once understood we release them, they no longer hold us in the patterns that we give them.

Most people do not understand what it means to love ourselves. When we love another it is built with so many expectations (and I might add, a needed lesson like any other), because we look for beauty, attitudes, strength, and those other things like money, security etc. But when we give love to ourselves….there is no expectation, it is an unconditional love.

We don’t first look for something so that it is accepted when we face our fears, there are no conditions when we finally gain the courage to look within, see our pain for what it is, and finally understand what had kept our walls in place and then by removing them in that understanding, give that love to ourselves within that healing.

We remove the duality of feeling a low sense of self worth (by isolating ourselves by building walls to keep it at bay), and finally accept ourselves for exactly who we are. That is unconditional love, and not an expectation within miles.

Once we give ourselves that unconditional love, we then give from that place. It isn’t until we love ourselves that we truly can love another, with no expectations.

The following is a very profound and beautiful verse that a lovely lady (Christy) shared with me as a guest post on Michelle’s Lipstick and Laundry blog:

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The Uses of Sorrow

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

(by Mary Oliver, from Thirst, Beacon Press, Boston, 2006)

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And yes, that box full of darkness has great meaning. We cannot know that unconditional love until we know conditional love, it has great purpose.

Be brave, be strong and believe in you…for through that darkness is a beauty beyond measure. It is the truth of what you really are.

Namaste

I’m Ok!

But if ok is enough, then you would never appreciate the discovery of that love within. It all leads back inside to finding your truth, that understanding that all your ‘looking’ for something out there, is really back inside your heart. And the only thing that is blocking it, is the fear to look within, that self doubt that we all have from years of having it drummed in that we aren’t good enough, not loveable which builds a wall of self doubt.
Look within, search for that part that upsets you the most, a switch that gets thrown when someone treats you a certain way and upsets you to the core, even creating an anger that you always try to suppress. And we all avoid looking because of that fear, who wants to go into something that makes us feel that way.
But there is your journey, because when you finally really look deep into it and for the first time ‘see’ what has been driving it for all these years….you will finally UNDERSTAND it…and it will no longer hold that fear anymore because you now see why it has held you fast…and you let it go, your life will change to such a degree it will feel like you have been released from jail after 50 years, it is that profound.
You will be changed forever….AND you will feel more closer and loving to yourself because you now see what has kept you in this unloving place. And in that love, you will find that thing that we all search for….happiness.
We had not allowed ourselves to touch that place within through those beliefs of ourselves….now there is no wall to block the truth of what we really are within. The duality that we all must face, to find that unconditional love within us all, can now be felt, seen and released, and we begin to stand in that truth….and just be glad and smile in that knowing 🙂
That is our path in all that we do down here on this lovely big blue planet. It is to find ourselves in the millions of ways that it is possible as we trip, stumble and sway to the rhythms of life. It all points back to how we feel about ourselves and how we express that out into the world.
We all seek that happiness, that well of love that will lift us out of all that we go through and save us from the pain and hurt that this life brings. But within it are great wisdom’s to find that self truth. How can we know and appreciate love unless we are treated poorly….how can we find our compassion and empathy unless we have lost and suffered. All we go through cannot be understood until we actually go through and feel them, the good and the bad.
This journey is filled with great pain, but also tempered with great love so that we UNDERSTAND what it is when we finally step into that love of ourselves….that unconditional love of self. And it is all given with a great love so that we CAN see that journey.
We all know when a truth touches us inside….follow that path…for it is the path home, to that happiness we all seek within.

Life by the Numbers!

I initially didn’t understand spirit when told you can never understand anything until you HAVE experienced something. I always thought that spirit knew everything…and they do…but they do not ‘know’ it. That is our journey, to see, feel, understand and become that unconditional love within from every possible way, every infinite path within this universe, and probably outside this universe (sorry, spirit hasn’t mentioned anything beyond our earthly life here), a ‘Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy’ I am not….yet 🙂
So I looked back over my life to see this journey and realised I really don’t ‘know’ anything until I experience it. You can be given lots of information which will create an awareness but its actuality has not been realised yet.

So I get the manual out…

Step 1. You are born into this world, painfully (birth canal), blindingly (theatre lights…unless you didn’t make it that far and the taxi was as far as you got 🙂 ), and stark naked (I’m sure there wasn’t a wardrobe in there anywhere, but ask mum and I’m sure she will beg to differ, the pressure on the bladder for nine months couldn’t have been from just one tiny little body).

Step 2. I’ve got holes in me…the urge to shove everything….and I mean everything in my mouth is incredible (I can even chew the dogs ear but apparently that’s not acceptable). And these other holes…who invented those! Phew…is this a test, an endurance trial…it leaks like crazy and mum keeps looking at me with these incredibly loving eyes…till I leak, and especially that one at the back, WOW doesn’t that create a fuss, especially when it’s not expected. Out to dinner, at a function…and something funny called ‘I’ve got no wipes’. And I want what mum’s got over her nose, I think she called it a ‘peg’.

Step 3. I see lots of action. Tossed up into the air and caught on the way down, at attempt number seven I throw up all I’ve eaten and see such vivid colours AND the noise it creates can be a bit scary. People flapping all around me. This happens repeatedly over the years and I keep doing this but they never seem to learn.

Step 4. It’s now school time. Years of torment from all those other nose picking, humiliating, fight starting, embarrassment creations from all those pranks by the other kids. Oh, and we learn something called school work. Numbers, logic, playing with words all the time, and something called ‘life’ that is absolutely nothing like what really happens. Where do they get this stuff!

Step 5. I am struck totally numb. It was so sudden that I think it must be a particularly virulent disease that has taken me over. I can’t think or eat and anything like sanity you can forget. I don’t know what happened but she looked at me funny. Kind of smiled and did this pirouette and sauntered off. I’ve been lost ever since. This is dangerous, I cannot function while this smiling face keeps floating through my mind. I wonder where she lives?

Step 6. I married the disease darling. The circumstance has worked its way into me to such a degree I just say yes to everything. Where did she get that smile. I’m sure this is illegal. Oh, and I found out it is something called ‘love’. And you must repeat this often or all smiles are off….right off. Eating from a tin is ok, but it does not taste anything like what she can do.

Step 7. What?…you want to have a what??? No way! I mean of course I would love to have one of those…but now! Ok, ok…yes, of course I love you! Victory in defeat…is that an oxymoron? And so the cycle goes on…now she throws up, followed by the baby throwing up, followed by me as I clean one of those orifices. How can it be that colour?

Step 8. My mind is screaming, I want to jump off something, my world is upside down. No, not another nappy. She’s left me 12 months ago for another man. He would have to at least be able to mow lawns, clean the attic, paint the garage and change a nappy five times before lunch to outdo me! But she’s gone…and I’ve had enough of….me.

Step 9. Spirit whispers to me ‘Get off your butt and do something’. I think it’s just me feeling miserable and ignore it as usual. This time spirit says ‘Your going to die!’. I tell spirit ‘We all are’. Spirit says ‘But you’ve only got five years’. NOW spirit has my attention. And I realise that I can sit here and be sorry for myself or I can see the truth in the fact that I could die any day, so do I want to stay in this hole or do I want to live. No brainer.

Step 10. I realise that it has always been me and how I reacted to life and what I did about it. And that I have a passenger on board that has always been there guiding away…but ‘sometimes’ I don’t listen. Ok, the disease darling that I married (and still love if I admit it), made me, forced me, showed me what and why I was really feeling within and with great love crushed me, made the baby throw up on me all the time, dragged me kicking and screaming, showed me my fears so that I may be divorced free and live a life of unconditional love. (grumble, grumble…ok, this part takes time to get through).

Step 11. It’s time. I’ve released that body that has carried me for years and years. The relief and beauty that I’m now feeling is beautiful. Finally I’ve let go of that life of misery and pain and emotional turmoil. I know I’ve gained much wisdom and ‘knowing’ from the hardships I’ve been through. I realise that these hard journey’s must be done to understand what unconditional love is. I know I’m now in a much more loving place within from that understanding. I see a lovely light coming towards me…at last, I’m free…totally free. And as I enter the light I see….I see…no, noooo…I’m being born into the bilge water in the bottom of a convict ship, everyone chained to the walls. Nooo, send me back, I want to go back, I’ll be good I promise…pleeeeeease, send me back!!!

Step 12. This is life 682. Only 43,318 to go. They say that it teaches such beauty and wisdom and love. Well, no point in fighting it, as I throw up onto the first mate’s shirt for the second time. I think I might be starting to get the hang of this.

Splat!

Well folks, I’ve done it again. Another little adventure to see a part of myself that obviously hasn’t been very clear to me.

And spirit being the very loving other half of me, allowed me to have a venture into life, allow me to fall flat on my face, and discover just where my heart is currently at.

Being a regular reader of scottishmomus’s site of poetry and words of life I usually click a like or fire a comment her way as I find the words of her poetry enjoyable. She has a way with expressing something, even if it is about something a little risque.

And she did this the other day with a very well written piece about problems that older , men and women, go through as they get older in life. I laughed because of its relevance and how it strikes us all, regardless of who we are and where we are in life.

And that’s where I decided to give a reply of an incident in my own life…..a very risque one

Now because of where I’m at in my life I have no problems speaking what is a truth within my life, so I do, without hesitation, because I know it is just a part of life that we all go through.

Well, I sent the comment in reply, and started to feel uncomfortable. So I went for a walk, I had a coffee, I chatted to different people, I got lost in multiple things…and it kept coming back to haunt me.

So I did what I always do and decided I needed to ‘see’ something here or why else the feelings.

So after another 24 hours (and a chat to spirit), I finally realised that my comment was having an effect on me simply because what I had said was an old way of how I used to be.

The following is a quote that I sent to mommus….

“When your awareness reaches where I am at, you no longer do ‘old’ things….like I used to fire off comments like that dime a dozen and not think anything of it.
But because I realise that how I am now within myself, is what I put out into the universe , and then attract back accordingly. I am no longer in that space and the comment has made me feel very uncomfortable.
I suppose its like kicking an old habit…when you do it again after a very long time, you kick yourself and feel daft for doing it again 🙂
But no, I’m not worried about the goody two shoes bit even though I was constantly worried about what others thought of me up until only a few years ago, and I’m just as flawed as the rest of the planet, I can still do daft things (thankfully) as it teaches much, and I obviously needed to see this to realise where I’m now at.
But what my main ‘thing’ was….I have reached a point within myself where I stand in my truth. Now what happened IS a truth, but in understanding that truth you come to realise that they did assist you in becoming what you now are…BUT, they ARE no longer what you have now become. Standing in those old truths again takes you back into those feelings, attitudes etc.
We all change, and as you said, it is part of the process.
To give you an example…when we go back to a place long ago in our lives, it gives a range of feelings, some good, some bad…but almost all of them we think, yes it had its time but I wouldn’t go back there, because we have learnt from that time, we are changed, we are no longer that person. “And can actually feel uncomfortable…BECAUSE we now know better (of ourselves), and are past those times and feelings in our lives. We can even go back into old relationships…but because we have learnt and moved on, it is never the same, we are changed by our experiences.”
It is a natural process to move on, or we would be forever stuck in our childhoods of eating sweets, ice cream and wanting to ride on dads shoulders 🙂
So it is an expectation, a knowing that I have moved past that. Yes, I laughed my head off at your post BECAUSE it was written with the wisdom of a mother, teacher and very funny lady, and because of all those experiences. Your take on life is done in such a way to enable us to laugh at ourselves, it is a very big thing to be able to do that, it is an acceptance of ourselves even though we can do some crazy things.
And those memories are important as they are the guide to our future. The basis of our wisdom and the love that that creates.”

I sent an apology to mommus, and on her post for any offense caused, but truly inside…I think it was because I wasn’t standing in my truth…and I know that isn’t my path.

So, I obviously needed to ‘go back’ and see where I’m now at. No, I’m not a prude or a holier than thou in where I’m at….but, I do know that I’m what I have become…a wiser, more loving and giving person BECAUSE of my journey through all of those things, like we all do as we go through life. And just maybe to pop a little ego bubble that was floating around in my life and make me stop and think a little 🙂

And I accept that, for it brings us closer to that love we all seek within ourselves, a love of that truth within, our truth, by the journey that is us.

Another Wall!

Whenever you put up a wall, for whatever reason, it is to protect your heart! And you will carry it around forever, constantly on guard.

Face it, resolve it…and there is no longer any need to carry around a wall that weighs a ton, emotionally and physically. And it free’s your mind so that instead of constantly being on guard, you now begin to see life differently.

Suddenly you see…a flower, a bird…even a friend from a whole new unworried perspective, and a peace that is so….truly peaceful! Life takes on a whole new meaning…and can finally be lived from a heart that is no longer weighed down and stressed with the pain of that fear. You begin to see the landscape all round, no longer only up to the wall.

Give yourself that courage to ask for help, and share your pain so that others can give you the support to bring that wall down. We all have walls, just because mine is orange and yours is blue makes no difference, a wall is a wall, and its affect is the same, it blocks our view. And our hearts.

If there was a law against emotional blackmail against ourselves we’d all be in jail. Oh, wait a minute, we already are in jail…walls within and all round and not a key in sight because we are afraid to look for it.

Well, it’s time to go past those things that hold us at bay from our truth, and sets us free to heal. Forgive ourselves and start again. Love, and be loved for who we truly are within.

Invite in the engineer’s, go through that emotional blockage that holds you to ransom, and set the charges.

This baby is coming down….