First Love! (Part II)

What can I say, that first encounter (First Love!) was over 12 months ago.
She crossed my mind often, in between life’s many wanderings…but not to make ‘that’ meeting again.
It felt like a loss, but not, because I was blessed with touching something so beautiful for what it was.
So I moved on, lived in a world somehow devoid a little because it felt so wonderfully close and personal, but never to be touched.
I had even tried to measure it against what I thought my life should be like, constantly a part of someone who made me feel that way.
Fool…expectations are a brace for the unwary, wanting of something that I couldn’t find in myself.
And because of that realisation, I let it go…gently, oh so gently.
And so in doing this, I allowed it to happen again…just by minding my own business, expectation-less and celebrating a birthday with a friend.
And there she was…I wasn’t sure what to do at first…a quick hello because of how unsure I felt, many people around us.
But the glow in that smile, the sparkle in those eyes could never hide this…this ‘connection’ beyond time.
We mingled with friends, always aware of a darted eye, a comment, and that smile that can only come from one place.
I also became aware my jaw was hurting again, like the first time, from smiling so much…but I didn’t care. I would recite a prayer 5 million times just to see her smile.
Many little chats began, but broken because we realised we were ignoring everyone else…but flowing so smoothly.
And suddenly we were by ourselves, wiping up the dishes, a chore by anyone’s standards…but we didn’t see it.
And even that came to an end, and my time was up, I had to leave…but never wanting to.
Unsure of what to say to end this day…I lifted my arms to show a farewell at the least by that embrace.
And it happened…….we gently embraced and joined together in the most beautiful serenity, melting into each other.
We floated in a sensation that when we met before was but a gentle flutter, now turning full force.
The world did not exist, nothing did but that beautiful touch within.
A moment as the ego wanted to know what it meant, but I released it and moved beyond it into acceptance. Just a perfect moment where everything was…was…just so perfect.
Not a word was spoken, it didn’t need to be. Not a movement was made, it was no longer required…we just were.
I have felt many things in this life, touched many hearts, experienced much love, physically and spiritually in the healing’s around me.
But this…words could not utter what was there in that moment…I was lost…and found…in the simplicity of that connection.
A singularity where all comes together in that one instant of time, to touch that perfection.
We finally released each other, very reluctantly, after what seemed like forever, and searched for a way to be together again.
And the universe opened and showed us a way…she would be back in two weeks.
I left. I smiled inside and out, my jaw hurting like crazy…by a pain I did not want to stop.
Two weeks?…14 days? Could I wait that long.
This is only day three…and look at what I have written.
Even my heart is beginning to ache…but it too is a pain I would gladly endure forever.
But above all that, is the one thing that is there above all else.
I ‘knew’, even before a word had been spoken…a calm ‘knowing’ that I was already there, a connection unlike any before.
Soul Mates? Or is that just the Universe opening a gate, to help us to walk through and find that truth within.
I’m reaching for the latch…hesitating…but I am lost already, and know it.
Smiling the smile of the heart, I follow my path…touching that place within us all, with a love like no other to guide us truly.

***Footnote: Well, a little time has now passed since I wrote the above, spirit had asked me to ‘delay’ putting it up. And I realise why now. I’ve had time to digest something that still leaves me amazed at this connection. But it wasn’t meant to be.
The lady in question is going through a very difficult time in her life so is in no space to be wanting a relationship at the moment.
So, what does that mean…well, I do now realise, because of the previous relationship that I was in, that if it didn’t ‘connect’ with the incredible power that it did, I may not have told myself ‘it is time to move on’, and wanted to. It isn’t until we are faced with these issues that we really look within and make those decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I have been quite happy in going where I have gone in life, but I think it may be time to ‘change’ my direction, hence the ‘contact’ with another beautiful soul.
But beyond that…I was allowed to touch something…feel and see something that is within us all. And I smile all the more inside for the ‘knowing’ of that beauty, and what is gently waiting as we step past our fears, and open truly to a whole new way of being 🙂

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First Love!

I was just minding my own business, I think
Not concentrating on anything in particular
One of those idle moments when you’re just absorbed in yourself
Off guard, defence’s down, not expecting…anything
And I think that is the secret to this time
The shock of so many things coming together
All in a heartbeat, the twinkle of an eye
The possibility, synchronicities…even the sheer magnitude
Of something coming together in the universe of this scope
Is un-bloody-believable
But there she stood, not spoken or even moved
Just the sheer energy that she gave out left me speechless
Mind you, that is a miracle in itself
And then, as if she knew what was in my DNA, she smiled
I was lost until then, but now really entered somewhere untouched
Thoughts that hadn’t been engaged for…what seemed like ever
Scrambled to make sense of what that smile did within
And then I couldn’t help myself, I smiled back
It felt strange…those particular muscles also haven’t been used forever
But I didn’t care, I felt nothing but the sparkle in her eye
And then she was gone, leaving me gasping for air
Mind altered, perceptions in affray, dopamine charged to high
I was lost again, but this was so much deeper, I almost cried out
But she then returned, and this time she opened her heart and spoke
“Hi!” and smiled THAT smile again
I said, “Hello!” and her smile got brighter
And I knew right then, she was the one, without her I would die.

—————————————

Note*
I saw some magic in another’s eye, brought back memories.
Thankfully much wisdom has been gained for a more true love by being loving to myself, and then give from there.
And they are all First Love’s as we are always in a more wiser and loving place each time we step past those fears and open our hearts again.
Am I ready? 🙂

Learning to Love

I read a very nice poem by a  lovely lady on a blog here yesterday (scottishmomus you have been outed 🙂  ), and it reminded me of a love that I had experienced and what it had meant to me. Yes, that love was very special to me, but it showed me something even more precious. It showed me how to love myself, and I don’t mean that in a egotistical sense. Out of all that I went through over the last few years the main thing I found, and was shown by spirit, is our inability to love ourselves.

We always doubt ourselves, have little confidence in our abilities and belittle our worth in so many different ways. BUT, that is the journey, that is how we find and understand unconditional love. It is a journey within ourselves to find that capacity to give to ourselves that love that we find so hard to do, even to others because we don’t want to be hurt. It is only when we realise that if we give totally, step past the fear of being hurt, that we realise that it was inside us all the time, we just had to step past that fear in ourselves. An incredible realisation when you see and feel what it means.

So now I give from a totally different place, no more doubts, no more thinking I am not worth it, just do the best that I am able. Yes, I definitely still make mistakes, I’m still human, but that doesn’t give me the excuse any more for anything. I now know within myself that I always give from that place of love within and accept that. It has changed everything. Everything takes on a completely different aspect. All I have learnt in my life has practically been thrown out because it does not function in who I now am. But don’t get me wrong, all that went before was very much needed. Like trainer wheels on your bike, needed to start with but removed as your confidence in self was increased to a point that they were no longer needed.

So is life, the more we understand, the more we integrate our truth within into our everyday lives, the more we let go of what is no longer needed until we reach that lovely place of unconditional love. That is our path. It is the one thing that when we show our love openly, freely and with no fear, it is also returned in like manner. The universe is so in tune with our every move that when it see’s us take that step into ourselves, it will reciprocate in kind. I now see that on a day to day level, and when I do say ‘hang on, why isn’t such and such happening’, I know I’m putting expectations on it, so I let it go.

And slowly as I integrate this into my life I smile a lot more, simply because I am more happy within. People find that a bit confronting. My car breaks down, I smile, I lose money, I smile, because in the middle of all those things…they don’t matter. The most important thing in all this is you, and to learn you are that important in the scheme of things. Give that love to you, you deserve it, totally and unreservedly. Begin the change that will make all the difference in the world. And in return, be that change and give from a place that is now you, and like any relationship when you give something with love, it is returned in many ways.

First take one step…how do you truly feel about yourself within?…then take another…..and don’t worry about people looking at your trainer wheels, they are there for you so that you can find that truth within…this is YOUR journey, no one else’s, this is all about you, believing in yourself and finding that love and the perfect relationship with you. They will be delighted with the end product because of what you will become. Yes, it can be a fearful step, but be gentle on yourself, don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you enhance that fear, and more to the point, show me one child that hasn’t come tumbling down in the process. Even later on with the ‘look ma’, no hands’ that ends up in a heap because they got too cocky.

But that’s ok too. That’s the learning process. The most important bit is that you try, try to become that beautiful being within by being loving to yourself, and in return begin to express that love within that is just waiting to come out. Now…about that first step…are you ready to give that love to yourself?

Unconditional Love!

This particular journey that spirit took me on was one of the most incredible experiences I’ve ever had. It took me somewhere that I didn’t realise existed. It has always been there, just waiting until I had reached a point in my life to understand something within myself so that I can then start to give from another place. A place that encompasses who I am and what I’d been through and how I integrate that realisation within myself and finally project out into the world that understanding of the same.

But a part of that journey that we all take entails the building of fears and walls from many things, especially from those we love, as it is how they have learnt and unintentionally passed these things on to us as we grow up. And in doing so we eventually must face these things on our path so that we may become the beautiful soul that we are. It brings much wisdom on this journey as we are shown all parts of the spectrum that is ‘unconditional love’ to finally reach a point of understanding that will change us forever. Change us in such a way that all that went before will seem to be a dream.

I have put this story on the menu above as ‘The Love’. I hope it can give you the understanding that it gave me, and the change that it made to my life so that you too can see and feel from a place that is just waiting for when you are ready.

With love and blessings on your journey,

Mark