Tag Archives: Fear

Our Nakedness!

I am walking down the middle of the main street of my town, many people on both sides. Each step I take shows me a different part of the street, a new shop, different people…even the energy can be felt at levels never before touched. I have started at the beginning of the street, slowly making my way along its length and the people are quite loud. It is laughter and becoming quite distinct, and for some reason I’m really affected by it, squirming at each step and afraid that it is at me.

Then I realise why…I’m naked…exposed physically and emotionally, and totally at odds with the environment and bringing myself to the attention of one and all. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide…I just have to keep walking. At each step I begin to hear voices now, but they are no longer laughing, they are now voicing their concerns, branding me with their shock at what I am doing, letting me know that this is not acceptable. Many emotions can now be distinguished, laughter becoming embarrassment, raised voices becoming more stern and touching on anger as their judgement comes to the fore. I try to disappear in plain sight but regardless of my direction I must face what is happening.

And in that humdrum of noise it is my turn to be shocked, and strengthened by a lone voice, one of praise for daring the un-darable and standing in the nakedness of my truth, no longer masked by my fears. It puts another brick into the foundation of the path I am walking.

I have almost reached the end of the street and an overpowering urge to stop and look back overcomes me. And in that moment I finally ‘see’ where I have been and realise this is my life’s path. Many judgements from all around, reinforcing beliefs that were never mine, but locking me into their owners. All of these built on the fears that they held from that very same process I now tread.

My walk has taken quite a long time and I now realise that as each step gives me these understandings my nakedness no longer matters, and in fact has built a quiet strength as my belief in self grows. The people back at the beginning of my walk have forgotten me and moved on. I can see everything that has been directed at me was only coming from their fears, their embarrassment, their inability to deal with a moment because of where ‘they’ were at within themselves as they deal with their own ‘naked’ walk.

 

So, what does this all mean. No, I didn’t dream the above, it was shown to me after a little wander into my own main street that lives within each of us. In fact spirit has taken me on a guided tour ‘back’, and I mean ‘way back’ into my past, the beginning of my walk up that same main street to a time of my childhood to where my fears of rejection were really being ‘locked in’ at around that tender time of 9 years old.

That rejection I felt was a lack of love from my father and my attempts at gaining it by doing so many things to please and being knocked back each time until a coping strategy was put in place to deal with its pain. A wall of fear. And each time I faced that rejection in the future it would raise its head.

I thought I had faced that life fear over the last couple of years and understood that journey…and I had as an adult…but that 9 year old was still lost and needed to touch that understanding and the reassurance that it brings.

Over the last couple of years I had met this very nice lady that had an incredible energy that always gives me a signal that something is about to happen. But as the years went by nothing seemed to be occurring so I thought that it was just something in the ‘connection’ and it was doing its thing. Little did I know I was being prepared for that event.

I have visited this ladies home out in the country a few times now, each time to mind her home while she was away or on a mercy errand to help with a healing with her animals. And to be truthful, an enjoyable re-connection with her and my childhood love of nature growing up in a similar place.

But on the second last visit she had given me some Bowen Therapy that released something very powerful within me. And as I was minding her home while she was away at a workshop I was left to fend for myself, not realising I was about to re-enact those childhood fears in a big way.

When I was a child in those moments of rejection I would go out into the nearby forest, lay down in the long grass and just close down and hear the nature all around me, wind blowing through the tree’s, and an intense loneliness would envelop me. The first night at this ladies home after the Bowen Therapy felt exactly like those moments in the forest. Her home buffs against a state forest, so wind in the tree’s, birds and other animals calling…and that loneliness descended like a blanket, to a point that I was almost in shock because of my reaction.

At first I wasn’t sure of what it meant, an emotion that seemed to touch me and leave me drained, but with no understanding to follow. But the next journey to her home months later now finally opened that door, allowed that 9 year old to touch a missing link but with the wisdom of that hindsight above, and look back into my journey to ‘see’ a time traveled and why I reacted as I did.

I’ve seen that my dad had also been treated that very same way by his father and it was all he knew. He could only be what he had become on that journey, given to him by those he loved and looked up to, just as I had through my life. But understanding changes us, and that wind in the tree’s showed me that I have come a long way indeed, so far that I can now see, forgive, release and become the nakedness of my truth, no longer held back by thinking it was ‘others’ and uncovering those things that I had buried through fear.

It was a raw touch of those past feelings of a 9 year old, but for that 9 year old to see those truths and finally understand them released a way of being that had held him for way too long, no longer stealing life by living within those shackles that we mold because of our journey.

The road has cleared a little more, the light is extending further on my path, and an acceptance of myself has shown me that even though these paths are pretty rough, beneath them all is a love like no other, under those muddy steps there really is a yellow brick road for us all. The peace that has descended on me is quite profound, even though I feel I am still in shock dealing with these understandings. So much so that on arriving ‘home’ I feel very disjointed like I no longer live here and feel that I’m in a strange place. But the overall feeling is one of change, the releasing of the old so that a new path can be built. No longer ‘reacting’ to life but one of building a future of wherever I wish to go.

There may be more to add to this story yet as time goes by but its like going through any event, when we look back we see it with new eyes and understand it in its different pieces until an acceptance of who and what we have become because of it settles into place.

And in fact, and to be totally honest…at the moment I just feel like sitting in the sun and eating an ice cream…I wonder where that 9 year old really is right now, do we ever really leave them behind, no longer a part of what we have become? 😀

Advertisements

Finding our Happiness!

All of your life you are seeking that mythical place called happiness. Well…I found it…but not where I was looking.

This world will bring into our lives something called a fear, in our childhood actually, and we spend our entire lives avoiding it, on guard in case it jumps out from who knows where. And one day while I was going through the most horrendous time in my life, I had to look inside it because it had made me reach a point where I finally admitted to myself that I could not do this ‘pain’ thing anymore, I was worth so much more than this.

So I went looking at this thing that kept bobbing up in my life, those relationships that seemed to keep doing the same things to me…and in there was ‘it’. But I had to go digging because as a child my emotional handling capacity was very immature so I had just built a wall, you know, that block, block, block we do with the things we can’t handle emotionally so that it won’t cause us any pain.

But down behind that wall is something so amazing that when you see it, it will blow your mind. It will hit you like a steam train, simply because its simplicity will be incredible. But its power in that moment will awaken the slumberer, again simply because of the understanding of something that has held you at bay for many years. And in that moment the fear will lose ‘its’ power forever.

It will set you free…and a happiness we had searched for, for so long, will empower you with the one thing we have been missing for so long…that ability to love ourselves ❤

Is there a 'happy ever after' in this world…you better believe it my friend…and its got your name all over it ❤ 😀

Reflections of Life!

And eventually we do put ourselves first…not as we normally do in life, forcefully…but by understanding our fears, and giving a love to ourselves that we initially did not dare because of how we felt about ourselves. It is in putting us first instead of our fears.

Our fears have to be lived to be understood, and in their outcome is the wisdom of that love. We always give from where we are at. And that is mirrored back to us in our lives by those around us. And as we grow up we give from those fears, a place where we feel unloved and unwanted. Each time we give a flower or argue with a friend, those actions are reflected back to us so that we can ‘see’ where our hearts are, giving out a curved version of who we are because of the expectations of ourselves built from those walls of fear.

And we can never see or understand our fears for many years because we avoid them because of their pain…but as life goes on, those around us keep reflecting back who we are, so that we can ‘see’ where we truly are inside. You know, those situations in relationships that always seem to keep repeating themselves, leaving you totally amazed at how these events keep happening. Making you feel like the universe is picking on you. Until you reach that point where ‘I can’t do this anymore’ becomes your mantra.

But once the fear is understood, it loses its power, and we then see that it has only been us that is blocking our love for ourselves…because we didn’t feel worthy of it.

Our negativities and low self worth from childhood hold those walls up until we are forced to step through them. As we have done by going through the many ups and downs within our life. Slowly we have been able to ‘see’ those walls and with great courage and strength, dared those fears to find that belief of who we really are within and become that love we always seek in our lives, that happiness that we look for but never seem to find.

It is there, gently waiting, prodding us to take the next step, to at last find that love, and be that true freedom within. And to be totally happy, for we have finally found what we have been seeking all our lives…to love ourselves unconditionally. For those fears ARE the conditions we had placed on our journey, and in defeating them we totally appreciate what it has taken to break through and find who we really are within.

And in doing so, we are finally free. Because that happiness is the love we dared to give ourselves, releasing the conditions that held us in chains, to find an unconditional that will leave you in tears…tears of love and gratitude because of what you have now found within.

May your journey dare those fears, for through them is a light like no other, and a beauty beyond measure…….your light   ❤

To Live!

As many would know, spirit spoke to me about 5 years ago and said that I would die when I was 60. And as everything else that spirit spoke to me about has come true, I had no doubt that it would happen.
This left me to face some very big and entrenched fears in my life, and in doing so, thankfully, I have climbed and removed many walls in my life, understood the reasons behind those fears so that I am now free from their tyranny.
Don’t get me wrong, they have a very important part in our lives. In living them and enduring their pain, it shows us compassion and the ability to love ourselves as nothing else can.
So I find myself in a beautiful place in my life…so spirit decided it was time to look a little deeper…much deeper.
Spirit came to me and said (and I wasn’t even thinking of death or anything even associated with it)…’Who said you would not live again!’ And that was it.
It was so out of nowhere that I wondered if I hadn’t ‘seen’ something after all that death had so far shown me.

1. Would I literally die, but come alive again. Like those stories you hear about people dying on the operating table but ‘coming back’?
2. Would I truthfully ‘live again’ in the spirit world.
3. Or would I ‘live again’ in another lifetime.

I have thought about it for a while and the one thing that it showed me promise for on my journey is…it doesn’t matter. And in realising that I’m comfortable that it no longer ‘holds me back’.
Maybe that was what it was for…to ‘see’ that we will all be alive again…once our walls come down ❤

The Waters of Life!

Life and all its hardships, the rivers we do dare
Traveling dangerous waters, captaining its glare
The mastering of the winds, the swells of our pride
The holding of our tiller, for there is nowhere else to hide
But if I could but show, the beauty that dwells within
The reality in this path, built from where we’ve been
We see so much in our wake, but only through our fear
All the while on lookout, glancing to the rear
So grab that tiller firmer, know through this gale we go
That the sails of this journey, need this truth to blow
Find the hearts compass, point it as a guide
Hold it with gratitude, for in there you know you’ve tried
So seek out all your glory, venture to every port above
For within that travel far and wide, is a journey full of love

Happy New Year everyone, may it be full of adventure, beautiful waters and much love! ❤

Mark

Joy…is it a myth?

This post is triggered by a friend, Leigh, who was wondering out loud in her post, ‘Joy, what is it?’ , and its part in her life. So I thought I would pass on what I personally found, and maybe it will help or give an understanding in something that we all ask at times in our lives.

In my own journey I felt a joy from what I was taught…lets say it was my birthday (as a child) was coming up, so I would get all excited and happy leading up to it. And children are much more unconditional until ‘life’ gets in the way. So it was my environment guided me in many things like this, from what I was shown and experienced as I grew up.

But the one thing that never seemed to be satisfied, was this ‘something’ that I never seemed to reach, a place where everyone said I would be happy when I reached it, but in finding this ‘so called’ nirvana, it left a lingering hollow that just didn’t touch what I thought would be ‘joy’. A career, home, partner, children and so on would bring it into my life, but never a lasting one to make you feel you had found ‘it’, that place we all search for.

Until I did ‘touch’ it, after picking myself up off the floor in a crying heap as I finally ‘saw’ what was truly holding me back. After a divorce, severe anxiety, loss of family and friends…I finally dared to look within and ask that question…’is this it down here, a life of misery and pain?’, as my fear dragged me kicking and screaming into changing what I had re-inforced my whole life up till that point.

Through my life I saw one thing, and one thing only…as a child it was my reaction to (I felt), was my dad treating me in such a way that I felt he didn’t love me, and that I couldn’t handle it anymore…so I blocked him emotionally (I was a grand old age of about 7 or 8). And anyone else who said they loved me needed to then ‘be’ a certain way to prove themselves, and I would drown them in some artificial love (because it had conditions tied to it everywhere), by sending flowers, invite them out, do grand things for them…all built on my fear of not being loved, being rejected by those who I loved and looked up to. Of which I carried on into adult hood.

So began my journey to find ‘why’, and once I saw what it was….I finally let go something that had weighed a ton on my life up to that point, physically, emotionally and most certainly spiritually as I had blocked it with all my walls.

My point being, once that fear was finally understood, you let go, and I mean really let go of expectations (of you and others), wants, needs, judgement, and a million other things that we don’t realise we do in avoiding that fear. The world completely changed overnight…well, actually I did…and without that one constant of fear affecting everything that I did…I began to ‘see’…and I mean really ‘see’ what had always been there, but I was blinded by my walls.

Let me show you an example of how it happens….your boss asks you to do something for your work, it is going to take some serious effort to get done so it will take over your life while you finish it. It is done at work, at home, in the shower and even sidetracks you in your family life. When you finally come back up for air at the jobs end, half your life has passed you by. A child’s birthday missed, a presentation for a family member or even friends invites are ignored.

And that is what fear does, it blinds you to life, keeps you on-guard and sidetracked in so many ways. But when it is finally understood, it is YOUR jobs end. You will release it because it no longer has power over you. You…are…free.

And in that freedom is a relief, release and self love because of what you have endured to see it for what it is, and break free of that life of drudgery.

And then something comes in that you weren’t expecting….you can now ‘see’ life (dancing under your tree’s Leigh 🙂 ), and it brings a joy like no other. It is a feeling that you have never had, simply because it has been blocked all your life. And there where it has always been is…your lovely tree’s on a roadway :), a butterfly with beautiful wings, flowers with color that you have never been able to really see before, even just a child’s happy face.

You can even now see and feel joy in others, because you ARE now joy because of what you now understand within yourself.

Yes, through your life you will feel bursts of joy in different events, simply because you have let your fear go, its overpowering reins on your life for just a while…until it slowly comes back in, reminding you of what you hold deep within.

That is our journey, to find that joy, in the love we have of ourselves. It holds so much joy unlike anything in this world…but it is only blocked by that wall of fear. Beneath that wall is an indescribable beauty…a place that will bring a smile from within like no other, regardless of where you are, whenever you are…it is timeless, and very unconditional.

I wish I could just show you what I found…but then you wouldn’t understand, because you hadn’t experienced giving that love to you, and finding that joy…the most important part of this entire journey down here 🙂

Finding Your Heart!

(An old, but important reblog for a friend)

But which one? The one that goes pump, pump…or the one we feel every little emotional vibration with? Or are they the same one?

The Journey we all make within, one way or the other, can come at any time in our lives. Usually at a time of deep emotional upheaval due to a loss of something…a partner through divorce, the security of a job, a death in the family or even from facing a fear …and sometimes all of them. And in response to this we often feel the pain deep inside with an emotional agony that we think will never leave us. We have all been there sometime in our lives and know this isn’t an easy time.

It takes a long time, going through the stages of grief, anger, fear, loss to finally reach an acceptance of what has happened. This can take years and in the final view, we look back at different times in our life and see that we actually change over this time frame and see we have actually changed in how we feel about what has happened. Why? Is it because we are not as close to the situation any more…or maybe we have reached an understanding that yes, we have lost something but now that the waves of emotion have finally settled to a more manageable level we can see that we have come to a point of accepting, and have changed in such a way that many of those things we used to worry about, don’t really matter anymore, are no longer important, and our direction in life has taken on a whole new meaning for us. We find that as our life progresses we are able to handle these situations in a much better way.

As a child when we lose something it is called a ‘spak attack’, as for them this is an absolute loss and the only way to express this is directly from the heart. Scream, yell and cry your eyes out. (And I might add it is a very good way to release tension and stress from the body…but you try and do this each time, as an adult, that you don’t get your way and watch out…the boss, wife, boyfriend is going to be loooong gone very quickly). As a child gets older this is…beaten, scolded and ‘learned’ out of them. They begin to take on the persona of those adults and people around them, mainly because they are people that they love and look up to, until such a time, usually around eight years old, that it is locked in, walled up, covered over and second nature to them, and these attitudes are carried on into adulthood. And of course how they act, to them, seems so right and correct, that they react so badly to all the other children and their ‘right and correctness’ that they close down that tiny little pump, pump thing, (or was it the other one?), so that they can no longer be hurt by it any more. They are all so sure that they are right in their attitude, (well, it was taught to them by their loved ones), and they might agree with the stronger children, (who wants to get taunted, embarrassed, abused or bashed?), but deep inside they still side with mum and dad.

So now we have the little problem of all those things tucked away inside, ready for those unwary souls that want to be a part of who you are. Boss’s, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, husbands and wives. And what a Pandora’s box! I’ll always remember my first girlfriend. How on earth did she make me do all those things…the guys would laugh their backsides off…but I came back for more, and more. What was this funny attitude I had…this gooey, intense, adoring, couldn’t stand to be away from her type feeling…ever. Where did that come from? Yes, I loved my mum and dad, brothers and sisters. But this, it was like a Bullet Train, so fast and POW, at the platform already and didn’t care where we went. Then she broke it off…the world came crashing down…I felt like I was dying. She had pulled out my heart and left it on the street to be downtrodden forever.

And as we progress into this world of pain, love, pain, love…we reinforce those things we are taught from youth by closing down our hearts from pain, opening it up to love, over and over. Until one day you just can’t do it anymore, your so tired and scared of being hurt, that you decide to close up shop and not let anyone come near that poor little pump, pump and its emotional connection to you.

But what if we knew, really knew, that we had actually put ourselves in this position in the first place? What if it was meant to be! What if it was needed, so that we could truly understand what it was like to be down at the lowest point in fear, anger, pain and hurt from our reactions to all those things that happen in our lives…so that when we ARE at the opposite end, and are happily ecstatic, madly in love…don’t you think we would be so much more appreciative because of what we have suffered and now learned what it was to be like at the bottom of the human emotional ladder? The learning we understand when we know that ‘opening our hearts’ is actually a beautiful place to be. Giving you great strength and fearlessness to deal with everyday life? The healing that takes place when we open, and in that healing being able to heal others? The ability to create on such a level that it amazes you, let alone those around you? This learning is so powerful that as each and every one of us interact it creates a wisdom within that is taken wherever we go and used as an encyclopaedia for everything we do. If you haven’t learned it properly, you do it again, (and even keep telling yourself inside ‘why did I do that again, I know better!’).

And that is just on the outside, physically. On the inside is just the same, you do the range of emotions and learn from that as well, with many an admonition to never do that again. But we do…why…because the urge to feel that one thing that we are missing in our lives, and comes closest when we are in love…is to love ourselves…totally and unconditionally. If you think I’m wrong, then why is it that we always put ourselves down, feel that we are not capable of something or avoid something through fear. Think about it, we act exactly how we think of ourselves. If you are angry, that’s how you act. If you are happy, that’s how you act. If you unconditionally love yourself, that’s how you act…how many people do you see that love themselves unconditionally. Not many, I’m sure.

What would it be like to live with people like that, no stress, no pain, no anger…sounds like heaven. Do you think I’m kidding you? You don’t think that we go along each day convincing ourselves that everything is ok and concentrate only on the good bits and ignore the rest? Yes, that works for a while, but I’ll let you in on a little secret…YOUR Higher Self, Guide, Spirit, God deliberately puts you into a position so that you face that very fear/problem you were so desperately trying to avoid. If you battle it out to get your own way and avoid it…it will roll back up down the track a bit further. Still think I’m rambling on…then tell me, which one of those fears/problems have you been able to avoid and it’s never come back? Zero, nada…not a one! Because that is where you wish to go…and you know this deep inside. And when you look back you will actually see some of the things that you do…the arguments, actions and things that at the time seemed the right thing,(and to your Self, it is), but looking back you cringe and think ‘did I really do that’.

And when you have time to really absorb this you will finally realise it has turned out for the best. There will be turns and twists that make you feel that the world is out to get you but in the end you WILL be able to smile again, you WILL be able to feel again…and above all, you WILL be able to LOVE again. And each time from a much better place. Yes, sometimes they create more fear, like scared to open up to someone again, but that is your journey that you chose, and you WILL get past that too, and each time be more beautiful inside as you realise you are coming home…to you…where all the love in the universe is…and always has been.

As you begin to understand this, be prepared to feel something…something that you know within is a deep truth…that could only come from one source, and learn to listen to what your Higher Self, Spirit, Guide or God is really saying…to show you a path that is eon’s old and as fresh as today…and a healing for that little pump, pump that you hold so dear!