It’s time. This battle has been very big. The tide has turned, and I must go with it, face it, as the battle against the flow becomes too tiring. It is a journey we all must make. As each cycle in our lives takes us through so many things to create a more wiser, loving and stronger person within.
But in that cycle we become entrenched in our safety, our knowingness, even our routines that in themselves give comfort. But as each cycle is concluded we don’t want to release all that we hold, for it has been a big journey and we have gained much from it. And that is the point. We have learned much, and understood it. And we won’t go willingly because of that. But the universe needs us on another course, another journey to take our wisdom to, and guide us in our quest for that unconditional love within.
Things start to ‘fall apart’, our lives begin to wobble. The unmistakeable feeling of the build up of stress due to these changes are taking their toll and we begin to react in a way that only weeks before was unheard of. Responses from people around us goes into new territory, even close people, and our confusion becomes staggered as we deal with the many things on the radar.
Things that we felt WERE our security have changed. Lost jobs, lost finance, even lost relationships are all around. When everything seemed to be fine. The change, in hindsight, will be seen many months or even years ago. It is a gradual thing, though at the time felt like an avalanche. The universe is being gentle, but we hold on so tightly that what follows feels like a skydive. Everything rushing up to meet you.
Well, my friends, I am releasing the reins of this change and going with the flow. I had thought I was being pro-change by moving house and stepping into what I thought was my new direction. Little did I know. I have been tested from the core of my being. My belief in self, and giving from that core belief in what I thought was who I was within, has taken a hit. I gave from such a place of total acceptance, of that belief, only to have it thrown back in my face.
It stung, and very badly. It brought up much from the past and it was time to look within and understand why my reaction to this was so intense. After much soul searching it raised it’s head, and the mask that I had in place over it. We always wear masks when dealing with other people. Be tough around stronger people, gentle with not so strong. Even a different mask for those close to us. The real us only seems to be with those we are closest to. But in this case, and something we all do, I had hidden my truth from me.
I was giving from such a place that I thought was a genuine understanding of unconditional love…no expectations! Was I wrong. When a previous relationship had ended, it felt really bad, and I put this down to the obvious feelings of rejection, loss of that love etc, etc. And I did feel those things, even though they were quite tempered by what spirit had explained to me about that particular relationship. But when this new event occurred, it really stung AND brought back up all those previous feelings from before. I needed to go inside big time and search for an understanding of why I was feeling this way.
And it was a sneaky little thing. I kept re-adjusting the mask. Gave myself excuses for doing this or that. But I forced myself to come back to that original feeling of being so upset by their actions. And then it hit me. I WAS having expectations from all that I do. And I don’t mean I wanted bits and pieces…I WANTED to be accepted for what I was doing….my FEAR was in NOT being accepted…which all came back to my childhood years of feeling rejected by my dad. My thinking that if I did this or that…he would accept me for who I was. And here I was nearly 50 years later still in that time warp. The fact that my whole existence is given from a place of truth has suddenly been thrown out the door. I had been living a lie. Making out something that I was not.
It has rocked me totally. It may not have been intentional, but I believed in what ‘I’ was doing, and to realise it was done from this place of fear leaves a very sour taste. For me to understand that ‘I’ was lying to me, through my fear, really gives a feeling I’ve let myself down, let alone the others I treat. I know it has purpose, and like all else that we do, we put ourselves in these positions so that a healing can take place. And create a more truthful, loving and giving individual within.
Truth can be quite painful within, but I do know it brings a more open and understanding soul who can now be more empathic to others because of it. Time will tell if I have healed with no more masks on my path. Facing a truth of that magnitude has shaken what I thought I was within, lowered my confidence and taken some of the wind out of my sails. It makes you question yourself and try to understand what it means. In that journey I hope the unconditional love that I know is there in my heart, is no longer shaded by a fear.
I have been a little quiet, and I think I have a little more time to adjust to what I have learnt. For the wisdom that has slowly been reached also has purpose for my new direction. But for now I feel very drained and tired from going through this event. A part of this journey is to allow ourselves to heal, give ourselves time to adjust to a new understanding and become that new truth that we have discovered. It is only in denying this that reinforces the fear that kept it in place originally.
May your changes bring you closer to that unconditional love.