What a day for Fathers everywhere, yesterday was a great day! But what does it really mean to all those children out there. Many have fantastic fathers who in their own way have lived their life in such a way that they are looked up to and cherished for all that they do. But some children, even on into adulthood, only remember the pain and anguish of being a part of a very disjointed family with the father figure being someone that was only remembered with loathing and hatred.
This I did, and only remembering the bits that I loathed my father for. Locking them in place so I always had something to rely on so I could always bring it out when I needed it in my life. Then one day a lovely friend of mine, while I was in the throes of a rant and rave about my father, casually mentions to me that, ‘are you happy with who you are?’, to which I replied ‘yes!’, she then went on to say, ‘if your father wasn’t the person that he was…you wouldn’t be the person that you now are…so which bit do you want to change?’.
I was stunned! I blustered and bumbled and then got angry. How dare she say…well, what was she saying…that I should ‘accept’ who my father was…no bloody way…I’ve invested a life time of hating that man…there was no way I was going to forgive that, not this side of hell freezing over.
For days after it I was angry, I couldn’t believe the turmoil it had created. And after I had cooled off after a while I began to realise something. She was right, and that got me angrier! I didn’t want to deal with it but the reality kept knocking on my door. She was totally right. I am who I am, because he was who he was. And he was only who he was because of how HE was brought up and only knew how to bring me up the same way. My dad was a part of HIS environment just as I was.
So I had (notice I say ‘had’, later on you realise that until you say ‘want’, only then does it truly happen), to forgive him…AND forgive myself for judging him for all those years. And I then realised something else. I was only hurting myself, keeping myself angry, keeping myself sad, keeping myself in a state of hurt and pain. And also realising I am only really hurting myself and those around me. Because I’m in that space of hurt and anger, I’m giving from that place, and that’s what everyone around me can feel.
And then the penny really dropped. I had also brought my children up the same way. You don’t really realise it until much time has passed and you ‘see’ the actions in their lives that imitate you. On how they are treating you because of how you’ve brought them up. How they begin to have their own children and the attitudes they use to bring them up. Even now I find it difficult to be close to them and even say those three little words ‘I love you’. All because of what I was taught and how hard it was to cross that wall that had been built up over the years which was now becoming very evident.
I began to feel guilty of all the things that I had passed on to them. The actions that cause so much pain and hurt and beguile their lives in so many ways. But after many years, and the understanding that life and the wisdom that you find along the way have opened your mind, you begin to realise that this is a journey of understanding so that I can now give from a much better place because of all that I have felt, understood and integrated into who I am.
No, the guilt isn’t an excuse, nor is it an open license to be a disjointed father. I now try to get past that wall by pushing myself past that fear of being hurt from someone I love by just being who I want to be and giving from that place. Yes, for a while it felt strange because I’ve never had that type of relationship with anyone but even I could feel the release from me AND my children because I was trying to be in that place.
An awakening is an understanding. An understanding gives a realisation. A realisation then allows you to change who and what you are. Now is that time to take in a deep breath, let it out, and be who you’ve now become. Release whatever is no longer needed in your life, the anger, the hurt and anything else that ties you to whatever you once were. Cry your eyes out, for it in itself is a great healing and a beautiful way to release what is no longer needed within your life.
Now look in the mirror and see what you have become. Love you for who you are. You are an incredible creation. You build on that creation every day. Be that creation. And be proud of what you have endured, but above all, understand the wisdom that it has given you and integrate that into who you are and build further.
My father’s day has a new meaning these days even though my dad passed away many years ago. It no longer drags me into that hurt and pain even though I do still remember it. The important bit is to just try to be your truth. What you know within is a part of you and how you want to be so that you can give from that place. A place that is changed and makes you feel at ease.
So for all of those fathers out there, who were once children themselves, and all the children out there, who will one day become fathers, eventually you will be able to forgive the actions, let go of the hurt and pain and realise that in all those actions is someone who from their learning didn’t know how to love, how to show their emotions and by that began a journey to find the understanding that was missing in their lives. You were a part of that, and in that, with great love, you have contributed to their becoming whole once again.
Sometimes it may not seem like any change can be seen, but within it will be very different. They may not be able to express it, for change can be a frightening thing, but all it takes is one step, spoken from the heart, and the change will begin. Done with integrity and the truth within, that awakening to a new you will start.
To all the fathers and the children within, have a beautiful day, and may it be with the love and understanding of a journey that is always done from the heart!